I was rewatching my wedding video, and I realized that it made me happy.
This is tremendous. The work I have done with the CBT therapist, the fact that I am recovering from the surgery, my having reached this point...is making me happy. I can listen to our wedding music, the same music that played during that disastrous night where we tried to have sex and it completely failed, and I can feel nostalgic and happy. I can even feel romantic. I can watch romances on TV and not feel angry or jealous, but rather just like I"m looking forward, like hopefully my time will come.
I still have a very long stretch ahead of me. I'm still in pain from the surgery, still icing and taking four baths a day. I still can't walk normally, and have to waddle around like a duck. I am living cooped up in my house, pretty much making our bedroom my headquarters. But in spite of all this, and in spite of being worried about the potential formation of cysts or scar tissue, and the fact that the surgery does not work for everyone, I'm still looking forward.
I know this is my best shot. I'm doing everything I can to follow the doctor's instructions, and that's all I can do. And I don't know what will happen next. Maybe I'll have my post-op appointment and the doctor will say everything is fine. And alternatively, maybe there will be a problem, like the scar tissue forming in a problematic way, or a cyst forming and so forth. Hopefully, after working with the vaginal dilators for a time, my pain upon penetration will abate. And hopefully, my husband and I are going to have a happily ever after, and when the time is right, a child. That child who won't even know how much they are wanted, and what milestones we've gone through to get to them.
But. One thing I've learned from all this is that even if the happily ever after doesn't happen the way you imagined, if you have a deep, loving partnership with your spouse, you can get through almost anything. I am privileged to have a husband who adores me, and who took a week off of work to be at my beck and call. He looks at me when I feel disgusting and sweaty, having lain in this bed all day wearing nothing but a flimsy nightgown, and he sees an angel. As far as he is concerned, we are in the middle of our happily ever after, not just hoping for it.
And I think it's that which helps me. My husband's not like me. He's not negative. He's not down on life. He sees this as an obstacle we have to tackle and overcome, where hopefully we will be successful. But if this doesn't work, then it will be on to the next thing, the next strategy. I'm the type to decide that if something doesn't work, all is lost. And I admit that I will be extremely bummed if this surgery was for nothing, and if it doesn't help my pain (or even ends up increasing my pain). I will feel very betrayed and very angry.
But I know that my husband will be there to offer me his hand, pick me up off the floor, and just say, "Okay, let's figure out what we do next."
And that's what makes him incredible.