Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Psych Wars

So I found pelvic floor therapy very helpful, soothing and comforting but there's a couple of issues:

1) The cost is prohibitive
2) I really didn't like doing my homework. I was supposed to work with the dilators, just slowly twisting them in and inserting them and I could not muster up the desire or will to do that every day on a consistent basis.

I am now in a bad place. My husband and I have tried to make love three different times and each time I am in his arms like a limp fish, just hanging out there sadly. I love cuddling and I love feeling close to him but I seem to have no sexual desire or excitement. I feel like my feelings have been cut off and put into some sort of little box somewhere in my body that I cannot reach, uncover or open. So there I am, naked with him and feeling obligated to make love to him because after all, I'm his wife and we've only had sex once this month...and it just doesn't work. He'll try to arouse me and I won't even be wet. It's like my brain has decided: To hell with all of this. I want a platonic marriage and that's it.

Obviously this isn't good. I don't know what's going on with the seperation of the emotions and them being banished to some little box I can't open. I don't know why I feel no desire (it might have to do with feeling resentment toward my husband because of the obligation where I'm *supposed* to be having sex with him when I feel like penetration ALWAYS hurts). Basically, though, this is probably the point at which I need to find a sex therapist and see whether there's anything they can do to help me. More prohibitive costs coming up soon.

Happy Chanukah.