Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Let Me Feel My Feelings

Sometimes I want to scream: "Please just let me feel my feelings!"

It is not helpful that every time I say or write something that is socially not the correct or appropriate response or not what you would expect (such as, for example, I feel violated when my husband approaches me and wants to have sex with me) so many commentators jump on me and tell me that either a) I should get a divorce or b) I have serious psychological issues.

It is entirely logical that someone whose experience with sex is that it is ALWAYS PAINFUL but who simultaneously craves and yearns for a loving intimate relationship that is sexual in a positive way feels miserable that the only way her husband can get release sometimes is via non-vaginal penetration. Every time my husband wants to get release in a sexual way, that reminds me of what I consider to be my failure as a woman and as a wife. Since I am currently being avoidant, I try to avoid feeling like a failure (that might also be a kind of coping mechanism). This leads me to not want to engage in sexual activities that are non-vaginal. I also feel used when my husband cums outside of me because it makes me think of myself as part of an I-it relationship (namely, as an object that excites pleasure) rather than an I-thou relationship (the two of us together engage in some sort of sexually blissful experience). Granted, my husband doesn't intend to treat me like an object and he does love me, but that doesn't change how I feel.

It seems sometimes like people who comment here are more uncomfortable with this whole situation than I or my husband am. I think you're uncomfortable with all the concepts involved- a non-traditional marriage/ relationship where sex is not playing the major role, the fact that sexual dysfunction exists in the first place, the fact that sometimes I feel violated even though my husband has good intentions etc. To this I say: Too bad that you feel uncomfortable, that this wouldn't be the relationship that you would want to be in and that for you this would end in divorce. My story doesn't have to end that way. Just because our life is somewhat tragic right now doesn't mean we have to exaggerate the tragedy by ending the marriage completely. 

Let me feel my feelings. Even if my feelings scare or bother you, even if they include wishing I was single or dreaming about other imaginary sexual partners. If my own husband isn't scared by my feelings, non-traditional or out-of-the-box as they might be, why do you need to be? Why do you need to judge? Everyone has ups and downs. I have good days where I love my husband and want to express that love sexually and I have other days where I am in the dumps and dreaming about never having sex again. People have to learn to let things be, to let people grow at their own pace, to let them feel their feelings. Obviously, you don't have to agree with all my decisions or points of view, but to be such Debbie Downers and spend your time informing me of the mental issues you think I have or deciding I ought to get a divorce- well, you should be ashamed of yourselves. What you should be doing is rooting for me and my husband to move on, get through this and become an even better and more loving couple together. We want to beat the odds and end up together. You should be praying that that happens for us too.

I was thinking how so many of you, if your kid said they were gay would be all like "Oh Lady Gaga Born This Way, Rah Rah Rah, Gay Pride Parade, Hurray' and you would let your kid feel his feelings, no matter what they were. Why are you kinder to someone who has discovered he's attracted to members of the same gender than you are to someone who is trying to figure out how to cope with something which is basically chronic pain in the sexual department? Would you tell a woman who was incontinent and peed herself when she laughed or had sex that it doesn't matter and she should just sleep with her husband anyway, even if she's really embarrassed because she might urinate? Wouldn't you comfort her and say you understand how ashamed she feels and how hard things must be for her? A lot of you are not getting this point: Just because there's something that to you seems to be the logical solution doesn't make it the right thing to say or the thing that the person on the other end of the conversation needs to hear. 

I want to get to the same place that you guys want me to get to, where I have sex with my husband and he's happy and it's not horribly painful for me. At the least, I want to be able to get him off without feeling upset or miserable. Telling me that I'm a bad wife, have psychological problems or should get a divorce isn't the way to get me to that goal.

Monday, March 19, 2012


I hired a hypnotist to try to help me manage the pain of penetration but it seems like I don't like to be hypnotized and that I just can't mentally get into the space where it works. So although he was able to help another woman before me, I don't feel (unfortunately) like he was helpful to me.

I had sex with my husband and it hurt a lot. This is largely because I had not primed myself with dilators and suchlike.

Before that sex part, we had some bad nights where my husband tried to approach me sexually and I felt violated and angry that he was trying to get me to get him off with my hand. (I think my main irritation came when he actually took and positioned said hand.) I felt used and yelled at him that I didn't want him to touch me and that I was tired. I just don't like feeling like it's my responsibility to give him some sort of sexual release, even though on the other hand I get that things are difficult for him.

I guess I am back to having to start creating a routine of using the dilators several times a week if I ever want sex itself to be not so painful. It's so frustrating that the dilators, which are the only thing proven to work, still hurt me nearly as much as a penis would. Inflicting pain in order not to feel pain seems backwards.

I wonder sometimes about what it would be like to live a fulfilling life as a single woman, unmarried, not having sex at all and yet being very happy. I worry when I wonder this that I jumped the gun in getting married and that I got married just to find out what the sensation of sex was all about, which makes it all the more disappointing that I'm not getting to have that. (This meaning I would still have married my husband, just maybe have waited a few years rather than insisting that we should get married right away in part due to my curiosity about sex). I also entertain the fantasy that this condition might not exist if I only had sex with a different partner. Maybe if I could sleep with some other guy, I would suddenly not feel pain. (Of course, I will never know because I'm an Orthodox Jew and adultery isn't okay).

I'd like to be a happy single. Or blissed out with some guy with whom I wouldn't feel the sexual pain. Something other than irritated, snappish wife with a host of responsibilities that include the chore of sex.