Monday, March 19, 2012


I hired a hypnotist to try to help me manage the pain of penetration but it seems like I don't like to be hypnotized and that I just can't mentally get into the space where it works. So although he was able to help another woman before me, I don't feel (unfortunately) like he was helpful to me.

I had sex with my husband and it hurt a lot. This is largely because I had not primed myself with dilators and suchlike.

Before that sex part, we had some bad nights where my husband tried to approach me sexually and I felt violated and angry that he was trying to get me to get him off with my hand. (I think my main irritation came when he actually took and positioned said hand.) I felt used and yelled at him that I didn't want him to touch me and that I was tired. I just don't like feeling like it's my responsibility to give him some sort of sexual release, even though on the other hand I get that things are difficult for him.

I guess I am back to having to start creating a routine of using the dilators several times a week if I ever want sex itself to be not so painful. It's so frustrating that the dilators, which are the only thing proven to work, still hurt me nearly as much as a penis would. Inflicting pain in order not to feel pain seems backwards.

I wonder sometimes about what it would be like to live a fulfilling life as a single woman, unmarried, not having sex at all and yet being very happy. I worry when I wonder this that I jumped the gun in getting married and that I got married just to find out what the sensation of sex was all about, which makes it all the more disappointing that I'm not getting to have that. (This meaning I would still have married my husband, just maybe have waited a few years rather than insisting that we should get married right away in part due to my curiosity about sex). I also entertain the fantasy that this condition might not exist if I only had sex with a different partner. Maybe if I could sleep with some other guy, I would suddenly not feel pain. (Of course, I will never know because I'm an Orthodox Jew and adultery isn't okay).

I'd like to be a happy single. Or blissed out with some guy with whom I wouldn't feel the sexual pain. Something other than irritated, snappish wife with a host of responsibilities that include the chore of sex.


little sheep said...

Although my situation obviously, is in no way connected to what you are going through, one thing you said in this post really resonates with me.

"Inflicting pain in order not to feel pain seems backwards." This is the life of therapy...

Thinking of you. Hope the pain dissipates speedily!

Anonymous said...

If you don't feel a basic responsibility to satisfy your husband sexually, you have no business being married to him. If you love him enough to be married to him, you should love him enough to happily give him a hand job. If you don't that is a serious problem that has nothing to do with your vagina.

If you're fantasizing about being a happy single, I'd say it's about time to wrap this up. I hope the next post is about how you're initiating peaceful, amicable divorce mediation.

Joe said...


Not to minimize your situation in any way, but going through painful experiences for growth is nothing new. To give you an example, getting back surgery may be painful, and it is only done to minimize pain, but it is a necessary procedure and a good investment in the long run.

Thus, if doing dilators consistently can save your vagina and your marriage, the short-run pain you feel while dilating is an investment in long-run happiness and pain-free sex.

Milky said...

Hi SJG, we are all rooting for you! See list below and decide whether it's relevant...

- Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism

- Self-imposed social isolation

- Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus

- Feelings of inadequacy (as a wife, person, or otherwise)

- Severe low self-esteem

- Self-loathing

- Mistrust of others (such as therapists)

- Emotional distancing related to intimacy

- Self-critical

- Highly self-conscious

- Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful

- Feeling inferior to others

- Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts

The above are all symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Nuns have no fun said...

This is a nice blog you might relate to even though it's different

Anonymous said...

We are praying for you SJG!!

Anonymous said...

Hi there, Growing up is always painful... but just because its painful we cannot stop growing up. I understand what you are going through since i had battled with vaginismus myself and won the battle... I understand the pain, i understand the the same time i dont blame your husband because sex is a primary necessity.... When i was going through simialr situation, mutual stimulation using hands helped and it reduced my fear of being touched( i was not sexually abused)...I remember those days and nights where i wished if at all i was normal...wondered if its so easy for others why its so tough for me... i remeber those night where i browsed and browsed all night just to find ways to get over this issue...I was so desperate to "fix" me...dialators help my dear friend. They are depressing i agree... after using dialators i remember crying cause the sessions were tiring...and they take time but they work! Please do not find refuge in thoughts which would just remain an impossiblity.... take charge of the situation... you would do just they say' if you believe in your dream/ wish, the entire universe will conspire with you to achieve your dream".... Trust me i was in the same spot as you and if i could get over this you could as well... dont give up... and once you get over this issue the amount of confidence you feel inside is enormous much more than you can ever imagine .... Take care ... K

Anonymous said...

Have been hoping for an update. Feeling your struggle.

Pretty sure I couldn't be hypnotized either.

Can imagine feeling violated by spousal "demands." It's something that I worry about for the future. I'm working through unhealthy attitudes toward men because of past abuse, and feeling like my husband was using me for some physical urge would destroy me right now. Need to work it out before I get married, for sure.

I think your marriage will survive and be stronger. You seem to really love each other.


frou said...

"If you don't feel a basic responsibility to satisfy your husband sexually, you have no business being married to him."

No, I do not agree with this statement at all. Love is not just about sex.

On the other hand, as a woman, I would agree that a handjob might be a solution (if there is mutual consent), provided it is 'halachically correct'. I do not feel it is anything demeaning, could be done with a tissue or cloth to limit the grossness.

Anonymous said...

Of course love is not just about sex. But a healthy sex life is the basis for a healthy and happy marriage. A healthy sex life, where both partners are concerned with each other's mutual satisfaction, is the most essential expression of marital generosity and sensitivity.

Her husband sounds like he has a normal healthy sex drive. He cannot get his basic needs met through regular intercourse, which he has been willing to forgo for nearly 2 years already? She talks about how wonderfully patient and understanding he is of her situation and she can't even bring herself to help him with a good handjob? There's nothing demeaning or disgusting about satisfying your husband sexually (and no, a tissue or a cloth will not get your husband off). And if you feel this way, it's a serious problem.

SJG, you have very serious emotional and psychological issues related to sex that no amount of dilators in the world will solve. You really had no business getting married now, in your emotional state. It's sad that you lacked the self-awareness and self-knowledge to be honest with yourself about it.

But it's not too late to acknowledge this mistake and allow yourself and your husband to move on. Your first priority should be acknowledging you have a serious problem and getting the proper help you need, instead of claiming "psychologists just want to feed off my misery".

Anon said...

As a frum woman myself, for whom sex is painful, I give my husband handjobs and oral sex. Not sure why you are so opposed to the idea of alternatives to vaginal sex. Are you opposed to your husband giving you a handjob?

%Shocked% said...

@Anon 1, 2, 3 or whatever number you are: Do you think your straightforwardness (although rude is probably a more appropriate word) is helping anything? She made a decision. Whether it was a good or bad one is irrelevant, and suggesting a divorce certainly erases any validity your prior words may have been given.

The one point I do agree with you on is that yes, it is a wife's responsibility to sexually satisfy her husband. That being said, there are halachos (Jewish laws) that prohibit a man from ejaculating. What stimulation is allowed is a good question that I don't know the answer to, but it's not as simple as, "the woman has a responsibility and has to fulfill it in any way."

@SJG: If it's not sex, it'll be something else. Wishing for a different life isn't 1) going to help or 2) change anything. Continue with your therapy and practices and one day (hopefully soon), you can move on to a completely healthy and happy marriage. Others have commented that they have had it and overcome it, so take heart and move forward. "Anything in life worth having is worth working for." ~ Andrew Carnegie

still waiting said...

i know youre young, and probably still have single friends who while wanting to get married are still managing to lead happy lives. the unfortunate truth is that as a single ages (if they are not single by chioce) there are less and less ways to be happy. even when appearing elated, traveling constantly and always trying new things, do not ever fool yourself into thinking youd be better off that way. you wouldve just postponed the pain. my single friends and i have discussed that sex is a lot more intimidating when waiting longer for it. im sorry for all youre going for, and am not saying i have it worse but please never ever wish to be single.

ח"י said...

I don't think you'd want to be single - and I think you know that. :)
And honestly? You'd have this issue no matter who you married, and you've got a great husband. Trying situation, but great husband. Look at the bright side, okay hun?