I hired a hypnotist to try to help me manage the pain of penetration but it seems like I don't like to be hypnotized and that I just can't mentally get into the space where it works. So although he was able to help another woman before me, I don't feel (unfortunately) like he was helpful to me.
I had sex with my husband and it hurt a lot. This is largely because I had not primed myself with dilators and suchlike.
Before that sex part, we had some bad nights where my husband tried to approach me sexually and I felt violated and angry that he was trying to get me to get him off with my hand. (I think my main irritation came when he actually took and positioned said hand.) I felt used and yelled at him that I didn't want him to touch me and that I was tired. I just don't like feeling like it's my responsibility to give him some sort of sexual release, even though on the other hand I get that things are difficult for him.
I guess I am back to having to start creating a routine of using the dilators several times a week if I ever want sex itself to be not so painful. It's so frustrating that the dilators, which are the only thing proven to work, still hurt me nearly as much as a penis would. Inflicting pain in order not to feel pain seems backwards.
I wonder sometimes about what it would be like to live a fulfilling life as a single woman, unmarried, not having sex at all and yet being very happy. I worry when I wonder this that I jumped the gun in getting married and that I got married just to find out what the sensation of sex was all about, which makes it all the more disappointing that I'm not getting to have that. (This meaning I would still have married my husband, just maybe have waited a few years rather than insisting that we should get married right away in part due to my curiosity about sex). I also entertain the fantasy that this condition might not exist if I only had sex with a different partner. Maybe if I could sleep with some other guy, I would suddenly not feel pain. (Of course, I will never know because I'm an Orthodox Jew and adultery isn't okay).
I'd like to be a happy single. Or blissed out with some guy with whom I wouldn't feel the sexual pain. Something other than irritated, snappish wife with a host of responsibilities that include the chore of sex.