I was saying Tehillim today and I was on perek chaf hey saying pasuk yud zayin specifically and I started thinking about how much I relate to it.
Tzaros levavi hirchivu. The pains of my heart are widened. And then the request for Hashem to please bring me out of the depths and lift me up.
And I was just thinking how there must be some purpose in all this. A lot of really nice people have been emailing me to offer their support which I really appreciate. And a lot of them have been saying how I'm brave. Now I don't think it's brave to write an anonymous blog. But I am glad that people have been able to be touched by things I'm saying and hopefully will get help if they need it. I was thinking that maybe everything is sort of connected and that Hashem always gives us what we can handle. I'm sure if he gave this pekel to me and my husband it must be for a reason so I just hope we're able to shed light on it and make sure that people can benefit from the knowledge that this can happen.
I guess I was just thinking about Hashem and his greatness in general today. I mean, this is the Borei Shomayim vAretz that we're talking about. He who makes the makkos and nisim and is in charge of every malach who sits there davening for every blade of grass to grow. And this Hashem about whom we say lashem ha'aretz umloah decided that me and my husband had to go through this experience. Why us?
And the only thing I can really answer is that maybe this is related to our tafkid. Maybe it's our job to tell the world about this so that reforms can happen. Maybe there can be better sexual education in general. I sure hope so. Maybe Hashem picked us because he knows that we can do something about it, not just so that we can be in pain about it. I believe with full emuna and bitochon that Hashem is full of blazing ahavah. I also believe with all my heart that his love showers down on me and my husband. So somehow this too comes from Him with love.
3 comments:
I don't believe in HaShem specifically, but I do believe in a Creator.
And as someone with similar issues, I commend you for writing about this. Despite my somewhat "scandalous" blog, I haven't been able to speak about this problem other than indirectly. Here's a link, if you'd like:
http://righteousrasha.blogspot.com/2010/08/rapeanger.html
I wish you success, pleasure and joy. It is helpful to remember that "sex" need not be defined by one singular act simply because society says it should be. There are many ways for a couple to enjoy each other, and these ways should be explored while (and after!) your condition is treated.
...And, for a bit of humor, I like to say, "No one's a virgin. Life screws us all!"
I know im supposed to be reading your blog and feeling pity but in actuality I feel envy. No, not for your vaginismus but for your relationship. As a single I can only hope to once day experience what you feel. And as you’ve mentioned in your blog, if your marriage can survive this, it can handle anything. I wish you hatzlacha in this nisayon but am glad when you focus on the awesomeness of your marriage. You make me believe in marriage in a world where I hear mostly complaining about spouses. Keep it up!
sjg, i don't know if you are still following comments on these (really) old posts. i just discovered your blog and i am reading and reading and crying and crying. this could have been written by me! i've felt, and am still feeling, all this. this particular post really made me cry because all the time i try to remind myself about hashem's love for me and my husband. we are almost at our 2nd anniversary, and while we have gotten very far, we're still unconsummated. your situation sounds so similar to mine, and your posts are giving me the chizuk i desperately need, thank you!
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