Monday, May 9, 2011

Pregnant

In my community, it's common for newly-married couples to have a heter for birth control for one year. After that, though, everyone starts to have children.

Well, our one year is up. (Our anniversary and how sad that was is a whole other story.) So I notice that when I go to shul, people quietly look to see if I'm pregnant. Or people always say, "Im Yirtza Hashem by you, when you have children." Or I just watch mothers pushing their babies in their carriages.

And I cry because I can't be pregnant, even if I wanted to be because I can't do something as simple as have intercourse with my husband. So all these well-intentioned remarks just make me sad. I know it's not the same, but I feel like I understand a bit of what women struggling with infertility deal with. Imagine a culture and community that is so focused on this one thing, and you're inept or incapable of doing this thing. There's a constant reminder in your face and nothing you can do about it.

I was reminded of the idea of Penina and Channah in Navi. I'm beginning to understand why Penina would lose her children for taunting Channah.

The question in all of this is why is it happening to me? What does Hashem want me to do with this pain? I don't flatter myself that I'm like the Imahos and Hashem really needs my tefilos (prayers) before my husband and I could finally be together. Only sometimes I do. I think maybe this is a nisayon (test) which if we pass, will somehow give us an amazing sechar (reward).

I also think that the only thing I know that I can do is let people know this situation even happens. I don't know how often it happens, but it does, and it should be dealt with.

4 comments:

Stuck in Shidduchim said...

I started reading your blog yesterday, and I felt so sorry for you. I knew about vaginismus, but never actually read about people experiencing it, going through all the challenges it brings. And then, it's exactl this post that occured to me. Pregnancy ! In our Orthodox world, we exect so much from people. We expect them to get married young and to have babies as soon as possible. We even stare to see if it's happening !!
And this morning I realized, that all these people who don't have kids in their early years of marraige may not suffer from infertility, but maybe vaginismus. It never occured to me before that this could be the issue. And how painful it must be. I am not married yet, but like you, I am scared of intimate relationship, I was always scared I wouldn't know 'how to do it', scared something would go wrong. Vaginismus has been a worry for a long time.
I deeply hope and pray you will soon find all the answers, and start living a happy couple life and build a family...

Sad Jewish Girl said...

SIS, thank you so much for your kind words. I do not want you to be scared, though. I wrote a post here about the purpose of this blog, which is that I want people to be educated. The situation I am in will most likely NOT happen to you. Just make sure you are educated; there is really nothing to be scared OF in reality.

Sun Inside Rain said...

Hey, maybe come up with different initials for Stuck in Shidduchim because the frum girls' blogosphere already has a SIS for the past 3 and a half years. You probably didn't realize that! Way, way too confusing to have two SIS bloggers.

Also, SJG, are you writing your story as it's happening or you just write what's happened already in present tense?

still waiting said...

i totally related to the line: Imagine a culture and community that is so focused on this one thing, and you're inept or incapable of doing this thing. thats how i feel as a single. there is just no way i will fit in until i am married. and its sad that there are so many different issues that can make us feel like outcasts in the very society in which we were raised.