Sunday, May 8, 2011


So pretty much the way I realized that I got served was because my husband loves me.

See, we thought we were having sex. We weren't, of course. He'd push into me and thrust back and forth and eventually reach climax. The thing was, it was super painful for me. I tried not to think about it. I figured it would get better with time. It didn't make sense that the whole world was so crazy about this one thing and it wasn't something I wanted at all.

I persuaded my husband to let me pleasure him in different ways. I know that halachically I wasn't really supposed to but I figured that the whole process was so painful for me that Hashem (G-d) would understand. So I had him cum in my hand instead. I tried to avoid having sex.

My husband, of course, realized this was an issue. He googled sexual dysfunction and came up with something called 'dyspareunia.' I didn't want to believe there was anything wrong with me. He literally begged me to go to a gynecologist. We joked a bit about how the issue might be that I was still a virgin. Still, that's not what I really wanted to believe.

So there I was, alone at the gynecologist. I told her about the pain and she made some sort of comment about how it usually takes six months for people to sort of figure out sex if they've never done it before. I tentatively said that maybe the problem was that we hadn't even had sex yet. Her eyes opened wide and she said, "Oh, I'm sure it's not that." Once she checked me out, though, she said, "I'm afraid your hymen is still intact."

I burst into tears. Hot, furious tears. I was humiliated, savagely so. I felt incredibly stupid. She  had me sit up, shined a little light down there and taught me about my anatomy and where the hole was. She said I should try inserting tampons before trying to have sex again. She also said it would have been better for me if my husband had been one of those people who had just barreled on through and kind of pummeled through the skin. I wouldn't have had time to be afraid.

I walked out of that office furious with my husband and everyone who had failed me, including the entire Orthodox system, my kallah teacher, my mom, and most of all, myself. I couldn't believe that I was that stupid person who had to be told by my gyno that we just hadn't broken through the hymen and that's why it had hurt so much. I couldn't believe I was still a virgin. I didn't want to face anyone with this failure imprinted on my face.

But I didn't have much of a choice, because I had work and I had to tell my husband. So I wiped my eyes, put on a brave face and just went on with my life.

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