Thursday, May 19, 2011


From what I understand, most frum girls have one of two responses to sex when they find out about it: horror and disgust or excitement and interest.

The ones who haven't been told anything think: "I'm expected to do that with someone?" They're usually traumatized.

The ones who have had a slightly more open upbringing try to romanticize it and focus on the pleasure part of it, like I did. They're the ones who get excited by it and think it will be really pleasurable and awesome. Of course, that probably means that the first time they're a bit disappointed because assuming you're both virgins, it's not like either of you know what you're doing.

Neither of these frum girls have a good view towards reality. Reality would be something closer to this: Sex, like anything else, is a skill which involves technique and practice. You have to learn how to do it well (once you're able to do it at all. Unlike me currently.) The good thing is, if you put in effort, listen to your partner and read books, hopefully you can make it better for both of you.

I wonder why no one just puts that out there. What would be so scary if we did.

Instead, we let our girls sit there with lots of misinformation and half-truths, either traumatized, scared and disgusted or excited but kind of air-headed and wait for them to just figure it all out on the wedding night. Because that makes sense.

Aside from this, there's only so much you can learn from books. Orgasms, for instance. My husband would love for me to have one. He's read all about the clitoris, stimulation etc. Also about how most girls don't really have one from vaginal penetration; it's more from clitoral stimulation. And yet despite all that we have no idea how to do it. I mean, we try, and I feel good for a bit but there's never that amazing wow-bliss that everyone talks about. In fact, usually it's too much stimulation so I just tell him to stop.

I just wish someone out there would address all the stuff girls really want to know in a non-scary way and suggest techniques, too.


Commenter Abbi said...

This is an excellent point and I'm glad you bring this up.

Have you considered, for your situation, taking a break from focusing on penetration and just focusing on your orgasm? For a woman, it's not solely mechanical. It's also cognitive, psychological and emotional. Firstly, you really need to be aroused. You need to know where your erogenous zones are and some good books on sensual massage could really help. Not just "shoulder and back rub". Full body, everywhere. Different people are turned on when different areas of their body are rubbed. Some people get turned on by having their knees or elbows rubbed. Neck, butt, ankles. You won't know till you've tried everywhere.

Also, and most importantly, before your husband knows how to give you an orgasm, you need to learn how to give yourself one. You might want to try by yourself first, alone if you haven't. As I said above, it's not just mechanical. Fantasizing, thinking about things that turn you one are usually necessary in addition to the physical stimulation. Also, try different areas around your clitoris, if you're getting overstimulated. It's a process that requires a lot of experimentation and patience. Then there's the whole area of oral stimulation...

I haven't read this book, but i've seen this book recommended in other places: . You might want to check it out.

Most importantly, I think overcoming your fear of sexuality and discovering what turns you on would go a long way to helping you along your path. A great sex life is a huge gift for yourself and your husband. I wish you a lot of luck in getting there.

Sad Jewish Girl said...

Commenter Abbi,

Thanks for the advice and book recommendation.

A clarification: you write "I think overcoming your fear of sexuality and discovering what turns you on etc."

I don't have a fear of sexuality. I'm actually a very sexual person. What I have is a fear over pain accompanied by penetration. I also have vaginismus (tightening of the muscles) which causes that pain and helps solidify that fear in my mind. Please don't confuse this with a fear of sexuality on a whole. Women who very much like sex, want to have sex and would enjoy sex can all have vaginismus.

Ariella said...

Great advice, Commenter Abbi. Sad Jewish Girl- I love your writing. I don't have advice for you, as you may have already tried vibrators,(that's how I learned to get off) so I will shut my trap now :)

Abandoning Eden said...

that book I recommended a post or two back (for yourself) is all about having an orgasm and helped me have one for the first time (went from first 2 years of sex with no orgasms, to now where I have an orgasm probably 95% of the times that I have sex).

It did help me to do as abbi suggested, mastrubate first and have orgasms on my own. Fantasizing and thinking about things that turn you on while masturbating and also while having sex helps you to orgasm.

Anyways it's only been a year since you got married right? I've been having sex for around 11 years and it wasn't until year 2 that I ever had an orgasm and it wasn't until maybe year 6 or 7 that I really hit my stride, knew what I wanted and what worked for me, had an orgasm consistently, etc. It's definitely a learning process. :)

Commenter Abbi said...

SJG, sorry for making that assumption that you're fearful of sex. All the better, because you're not at square one.

I think I'll backtrack on what I said about focusing on orgasm and suggest maybe focusing on giving each other pleasure (these aren't mutually exclusive goals, but "focusing on orgasm" may make you feel pressured to reach a specific goal and the possible failure may make you frustrated)

How about just focusing on making each other feel really good? You might find that figuring out a special way of turning your husband on is a turn on for you too. Stop making sex about "getting inside" or "reaching orgasm". Just explore, play and let go of as many inhibitions as possible. Maybe you like it when he talks to you in a certain way that is so embarrassing you didn't feel you can tell him? Maybe he has an erogenous zone that's not "normal". Who cares? Between the two of you, there is no normal. You make your normal (obviously, with the caveat that whatever it is can't really gross you out)

I think the more open you can be with each other, the more you can hopefully relax and both of you can enjoy yourselves.

I totally agree with AE. I'm married 10 years, and it was a long process of figuring out what works and what doesn't. It's not like the movies where every time is fireworks "perfect" (by the same token, I will say that even sex without orgasm for either of you can be satisfying and just "feel good" and that's great too). Something to keep in mind.

Meghan Conrad said...

Regarding orgasms, I wanted to mention two things.

The first is that while clitoral stimulation will do it for a lot of woman, many women need more than that--clitoral and nipple, clitoral and anal, clitoral and vaginal... The additional sensation from elsewhere sometimes seems to lessen the hypersensitivity of the clitoral area, plus adds another layer of pleasure. If you're going with primarily clitoral stimulation, consider adding a small anal vibrator, for example, or nipple play (either from his mouth or from nipple clamps, etc).

Also, if you're finding direct stimulation on your clitoris to be overwhelming, try focusing on the area right next to your clit--the skin on either side, basically. Make two of your fingers into a V, and then putting them so that your fingertips are on either side of your clit, pressed up against the shaft. You'll (obviously) have to experiment with pressure and stroke, but you might have more luck with that than you would with direct clitoral stimulation.

Good luck!