My Husband

I was rewatching my wedding video, and I realized that it made me happy.

This is tremendous. The work I have done with the CBT therapist, the fact that I am recovering from the surgery, my having reached this point...is making me happy. I can listen to our wedding music, the same music that played during that disastrous night where we tried to have sex and it completely failed, and I can feel nostalgic and happy. I can even feel romantic. I can watch romances on TV and not feel angry or jealous, but rather just like I"m looking forward, like hopefully my time will come.

I still have a very long stretch ahead of me. I'm still in pain from the surgery, still icing and taking four baths a day. I still can't walk normally, and have to waddle around like a duck. I am living cooped up in my house, pretty much making our bedroom my headquarters. But in spite of all this, and in spite of being worried about the potential formation of cysts or scar tissue, and the fact that the surgery does not work for everyone, I'm still looking forward.

I know this is my best shot. I'm doing everything I can to follow the doctor's instructions, and that's all I can do. And I don't know what will happen next. Maybe I'll have my post-op appointment and the doctor will say everything is fine. And alternatively, maybe there will be a problem, like the scar tissue forming in a problematic way, or a cyst forming and so forth. Hopefully, after working with the vaginal dilators for a time, my pain upon penetration will abate. And hopefully, my husband and I are going to have a happily ever after, and when the time is right, a child. That child who won't even know how much they are wanted, and what milestones we've gone through to get to them.

But. One thing I've learned from all this is that even if the happily ever after doesn't happen the way you imagined, if you have a deep, loving partnership with your spouse, you can get through almost anything. I am privileged to have a husband who adores me, and who took a week off of work to be at my beck and call. He looks at me when I feel disgusting and sweaty, having lain in this bed all day wearing nothing but a flimsy nightgown, and he sees an angel. As far as he is concerned, we are in the middle of our happily ever after, not just hoping for it.

And I think it's that which helps me. My husband's not like me. He's not negative. He's not down on life. He sees this as an obstacle we have to tackle and overcome, where hopefully we will be successful. But if this doesn't work, then it will be on to the next thing, the next strategy. I'm the type to decide that if something doesn't work, all is lost. And I admit that I will be extremely bummed if this surgery was for nothing, and if it doesn't help my pain (or even ends up increasing my pain). I will feel very betrayed and very angry.

But.

But I know that my husband will be there to offer me his hand, pick me up off the floor, and just say, "Okay, let's figure out what we do next."

And that's what makes him incredible.

More Pain Meds Situations

In today's news, I've discovered 600 mg of Ibuprofen taken every 4 hours disagrees with me. It's caused me to be extremely nauseous and to vomit twice.

Guess I'm going to try being solely on the Ultram. Maybe that will work for me.

Update: Nausea was actually a delayed reaction to the Ultram. I'm on Ibuprofen now and it's working, for the most part.

Vestibulectomy - Day 4

Everything is SO much better now.

Alternating between Ultram and Ibuprofen is working, so my pain is now under control. I am really sleepy because I need to get up throughout the night to ice and to take my meds, but the pain is gone, the constipation is gone, and the horrible drowsy muggy feeling from Percocet is gone.

I am happy.

Super Duper Pooper

So when I was a little girl, we had this potty training video that included a song about how a girl was a "super duper pooper" and I remember being really proud of myself when I was able to go potty.

Here we go:


Yeah, well, that's exactly how I just felt when I FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY had a bowel movement! Who knew such a simple thing would be such an ordeal? Yay! Oh my gosh, I never realized how amazing the body is until just this second. I was in so much pain and discomfort because of the constipation, and even though everyone told me not to strain, I still had to strain but thank God the rest came out nice and loose and easy.

I think one piece of advice that really helped was to drink a mixture of prune juice and orange juice heated up (either in the microwave or on the stove) about three times per day and also to go off the Percocet until I had a bowel movement.

Now my husband is going to pick up my Ultram for me, and hopefully everything will be much better.

Yay!

New Drugs!

Doctor has decided that since the Percocet is making me super constipated and unhappy, I get a new drug, so he's called it in to the pharmacy...it's called Ultram!

Hopefully this will make things better. In the meantime, I am trying not to strain since everyone says that will pop the stitches, and instead am drinking down cocktails of prune juice and orange juice in the hopes of being able to create a bowel movement.

It's funny that with all my advanced degrees, my one goal in life at this moment is to just have a bowel movement. Well, it's funny but it's not funny.

Sigh.

A Rant

I hate Percocet.
I hate Percocet.
I hate Percocet.
I hate Percocet.
I hate a drug that fixes the pain but makes me nauseous, drowsy and constipated.
I hate that the Ibuprofen is not fixing my pain.
All I want is to go to the bathroom.
I hate Percocet.

Vestibulectomy- Night 2

It's 4:25am and I'm caught in a bind.

The doctor stressed how important it is to NOT GET CONSTIPATED. Well, I've been taking stool softeners, eating prunes, drinking apple cider, eating high fiber everything, drinking water and you know what, still can't get myself to pass a bowel movement.

I think it's because Percocet is a very constipating drug. Anyway, the problem is that I've got a deal with the devil. I need to take Percocet every three hours, because if not, I am awake in tons of pain. But if I take it, I can't go defecate. And I really want to do that. And I've never understood Asher Yatzar like this before, and all I can think is that if I can't get this to work, I'm gonna have to have an enema and oh my God, I really don't want that.

But I have to take the pain meds because otherwise it starts jackknifing up to a crazy degree, and then I can't handle it, so I take my Percocet after some existential anguish, and then I try gulping down some water and hoping that maybe sometime today I can defecate.

Yeah, I never thought all my prayers would be directed towards a bowel movement, either.

Man, am I not in a happy place right now.