Monday, June 13, 2011


Today's appointment at the Center for Female Sexuality was TERRIFIC.

It was awesome. It was amazing. It was inspiring. It was fabulous.

I went to the office in Manhattan. It is a little office on the seventh floor of a nice official-looking building. It is nice and innocuous; not imposing or scary at all.

First, they explained to me how payment works. The deal is they have a certain amount of money that they submit to the insurance as what they think their procedure is worth. So let's say the Center says vaginal dilation is worth $500. The insurance evaluates and tells them how much they think the procedure is worth. Let's say the insurance thinks vaginal dilation is only worth $100. You only have to pay whatever amount is left over after the insurance pays their portion of what they think the procedure was worth- you're only paying what is left over out of that $100. So just hope your insurance estimates a low cost for procedures and you're home clear.

After I filled out some paperwork and surveys, I went inside into a nice room with a round table and three chairs and a window and a bunch of very interesting books about sex to meet Barbara Gross. Barbara is a sexual counselor and she asked me to explain my sexual history and background to her. It was like a therapy session where I just explained and gave background and she asked some more details in order to clarify some things I had said. Barbara is really understanding, compassionate, kind and supportive. I had a great time with her. She even complimented me on stuff and she made me feel totally normal about everything. She says we'll work together on my vaginismus.

After I had finished the psych evaluation regarding my sexual life and history, I went with Kathleen, who is either a nurse or a physician's assistant, and she did a basic physical on me. She took my blood pressure, did a breast exam, had me breathe in and out and listened and then she checked if I had vulvar vestibulytis by taking a Q-tip and swabbing me very gently around my vulva to see if it hurt, which it didn't. Then she worked on dilating me. We started with the smallest dilator- she took it out of a box (it was brand new) and cleaned it and put gel on it and then told me exactly what she was going to do before she did it. I didn't tense up AT ALL. We were able to put THREE of the dilators (sizes Small, Small Plus, and Medium) into me and I only tensed up a teeny-tiny bit the last time, nothing like what it was like with my husband or the two fingers.

I took home four dilators- sizes Small, Small Plus, Medium and Medium Plus. She wants my husband to practice inserting the Small one into me and out of me so that he can understand the angles and not be worried about hurting me because he'll see for himself it doesn't hurt me. The Small Plus I'm supposed to insert into myself and move around and up and down. The Medium I am supposed to dilate with- just let it sit inside me for 10 minutes while it opens me. If I can work my way up to the Medium Plus, that's good, but if not, that's also okay. She'll just work with me the next time I see her.

There are only seven sizes of dilators so I'm already halfway there! They use a dildo for the last size and it looks like a man's penis. I think that's smart because it allows you not to feel frightened because if THAT can fit inside you, then your husband definitely can!

Kathleen mentioned that a lot of times women buy the dilators on their own and they can't get them in, only to come to the Center and with their help, suddenly they can. Sometimes having that person there as a support and an extra push can really help. I asked her how she got involved with the Center and she said she and some of the other women at the Center had worked for Planned Parenthood and then had also moved here. She's really dedicated to this job- she commutes 2 hours to get there!

What was really nice about Barbara was I told her how I felt about how all the Hasidic and Charedi couples can figure sex out and have kids in a year or so and she said that's actually not true. A ton of these couples come to see these people in the Center because they need help. What's nice about Barbara is she can be as open or not open as you need her to be. If you are into using vibrators and experimenting, she'll help you with that. And if you just want dilators for intercourse and no frills, she'll do that for you. She won't try to put her point of view on you, and that's really nice.

Basically I'm super psyched and excited to do my homework working with the dilators this week (which I bought- they cost $15 each) and I'm looking forward to the day that me and my amazing husband are going to have gloriously amazing sex.

Another thing- using the dilators means at some point I'm going to break my hymen myself, most likely (just because of the insertion and penetration of the things). Once that's out of the way, any remaining fear I have will likely disappear.

I feel really blessed that my vaginismus case isn't as severe as some other people's. I feel like there's a light at the end of this tunnel and I recommend that anyone who isn't seeing progress goes to see the people at this Center because they are great and this visit was nothing like that other one I had been on which just traumatized me even more.

I like nice people.


Anonymous said...

Just started reading your blog a few days ago and it is such a delight to see this post today. I've never been so excited for two people to finally get to have sex! First was my best friend, when she got married. Next will be me, when I get married someday. :)

Good luck! Praying for you (even though I'm a Christian, ha ha).

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for weeks and this is the most happiness-inducing post ever!! I'm super proud of you. You are an inspiration to all of us who are trying to overcome anything difficult. I know that you and your hubby will soon have mind-blowing sex and millions of incredible orgasms together.

Abandoning Eden said...

yay!!! I was so glad to see this post! I'm happy you found something that works for you :)

Boxed Whine said...

Sorry SJG, I am confused, I thought you visited someone, a couple that could help last month? What became of that?

But these people sound quite amazing.

Anonymous said...

Wow!!! I wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out...

Anonymous said...

I am so freaking pleased for you! I didn't even think twice about commenting and letting you know! This is awesome! Super-ridiculously happy for you :)si

Anonymous said...

talking from experience, don't be despondent if the dilators work great but you still have the same problem with intercourse.

If your therapist is good she'll also work on the mental aspect.

Anonymous said...

Coming from someone who works in insurance, you're going to want to make sure that your policy covers out of network/non-participating providers before assuming that the insurance will pay for a portion of the procedure.

Many policies will not cover these out of network providers, or will have a larger deductible that needs to be met when seeing these providers.

For most major health insurance carriers, in-network or participating providers are the preferred provider level that pays with the best benefit level, and they prevent providers from billing up front for covered services.


Anonymous said...

As soon as you started getting help from the right sources, I knew you were going to be fine. One thing you should know/remember, though - you said something about having amazing sex with your husband. That will haopen too, but not the first time. Probably not the tenth time, either.

Sex is a skill like any other. I'm frum but I guess we knew more about how things worked than you did. That's not a criticism, you had no reason to learn until you were preparing for marriage. But once you can physically have intercourse - THEN you can start learning about how to please each other. People like different speeds or positions for example. Experiment, obviously. I just want to make sure you know that you can negotiate, just as you negotiate about mundane things. My ex could only come using one position, speed, motion, etc. and I could not with that stimulation. That's ok. We had different problems because he wasn't interested in trying to come up with solutions.

You've obviously seen kids who are just learning to walk. They look like zombies, stumbling like they're drunk with their arms straight out. Look at that same child a year or two later - he can climb, he can jump. Later still he can carry five things, climb over a barrier and not drop any of them.

You'll get there. But at first you'll be a toddler. And even once you are more experienced - sometimes it's amazing, and sometimes it's nice. I know I'm not the only person who says, singles/teens wait for it, they dream about it, and they need to know, it's a nice thing. It feels good. It's good for your relationship. But especially for you two, you need to know - it's not that big of a deal. My father z''l used to say, 'I've been poor and I've been rich. Rich is better.' So I've had a physical relationship, and I've been celibate. Sex is better. But it really WON'T change your life.

Can't wait to hear that you were successful. And THEN you can really start to learn.

Anonymous said...

Hi sjg

I had the same problem for nearly upto a year. Docter's, gynecologists couldn't do anything.. Except for telling me to use dilators and have me and my husband to try with them.

We did for a few months and then I gave up because it was mentally draining..

However 2 weeks ago, we used them again (the second to last one) it went in all and then my husband tried.. And we got there, we managed to have sex. Since then we've been doing it daily.. Takes alot of different positions but u just have to try.

I would suggest spending alot of time with your husband.. Go out, relax yourselves, have dinner and then try.. Isee these companies as 'money making' it's best to try yourself ans learn what relaxes you, they can't teach you that.. Only yoy can.

All the best.

Anonymous said...


I am happy to see things are working out. AS above I mentioned I had the same problem too. What wprked for me was that I maintained patience, and asked GOd to grant me whatever is best for me. Indeed marriage is a sacred bond in my relgion, and I take it very serioulsy, i.e wanting to please my husband in every way. and living a life full of happiness, tranquality with the remebrance of God.

Indeed He is the hearer of all prayers, theses docters, therapists etc can not help but except with His Permisission. Whenever He wills ease it will be bestowed upon a person.

It is good that you are have come to this stage, but i don't see the need of going to anyone.. My sistuation was like yours, i.e hymen was stll intact and any attempt for intercourse I used to cry out in agony.. However with reading things up, and trying to try out ways to overcome this, me and my husband this. It was hard butour love for each other kept us going, and indeed this was the decree of our Lord (Gid) so we had to maintain pateint and just keep tryin, in the end all affiars lie in His Hands alone.

I am the woman that emailed you form the UK.

Kind Regards


Maypaki said...

Primary Vaginismus.
If you have it, then your body is NOT designed for sex.

It is God's way of telling a woman that she is DESTINED to become a nun or celibate.
So if you have it, go on and BECOME A NUN.
That's because it is God's way of controlling the global population. God created women with such sexual dysfunction to keep them away from sex and thus preventing conception. Unfortunately, most women don't realize it and would still go through days and weeks of therapy which is just time consuming.

Trying to remedy your condition is against God's will.
God does NOT want you to have sex.
If you're a woman, don't get married & don't have sex if your VAGINA wont let you.
God had CLOSED the gates of your virginity.
It is time to give up on men and become a NUN.

VAGINISMUS may be the answer to overpopulation.
God truly works in strange ways.

Abandoning Eden said...

um, please don't listen to that last psycho who left a comment.

Molly said...

Oy vey on the second to last comment. Every convent needs a Jewish girl right? (ahem, I think not)

BTW your blog has been a HUGE help to my best friend, who thinks she has the same thing you do! I'm proud of you honey.

Maypaki said...

If she cannot become a nun, then she should at least be celibate.

There was one episode in the Tyra Banks show, May 19, 2009. A woman named Kelsie had level 4 Primary Vaginismus. Yet she got pregnant.

How did she get pregnant? Here’s how it went:
She said she was under heavy medication while her husband had “sex” with her. She said her mind was OUT OF IT when the intercourse happened.

Please watch that Tyra Banks episode (May 19, 2009) on Youtube:

For me, that is BORDERLINE RAPE. Their baby is a product of RAPE.
I am a man but I think it is almost criminal and immoral to completely disregard a woman’s feelings (or lack of it) during intercourse.

If a woman stills tries to FORCE HERSELF to do it despite the pain, she has no self respect, no self esteem. Because to her, sex is just an CHORE and not an expression of MUTUAL affection/pleasure.
Sex involves mutual affection/consent. It should please both of them. A woman should be begging for it.

If not, then it is considered RAPE.

If she can’t become a nun, she should at least be celibate.
It will END her misery. She just went astray by getting married.

Sex is not for everyone.
Yes, a woman can get pregnant without intercourse. That seems artificial. I don’t know how God would feel about that.

I am not a Bible fan. Nuns are not mentioned in the Bible either.
I am just MODERATELY AGNOSTIC but thinks that God has reasons for everything.

I am a man who believes in WOMEN'S RIGHTS. Without women's rights, women would still be treated as baby factories instead of human beings with choices.

If a woman has a right to refuse sex, then so does her VAGINA. She should respect her VAGINAL RIGHTS. They are:

1.) Vagina's right to refuse sex.

2.) Vagina's right to self-pleasure

3.) Vagina's right to self-lubricate.

If a woman has Prime Vaginismus, it means her VAGINA is refusing sex. Penetrating a dry,unaroused and unwilling vagina is RAPE, especially if she is dumb about her vagina. Her vagina is not consenting to any man. It's God's form of BIRTH CONTROL.

Most humans are genetically designed to learn how to masturbate. Masturbation teaches them to be sexually self-aware. But some, particularly women, have limited or no masturbation skills and end up having Vaginismus, dry vagina or thick hymen. Because God forbids them to learn about sex to control the population. Some women do not own their bodies because God owns them.

If she doesn't know how to use her vagina, then God owns her vagina to control the population.
Sex is not for her.

Vaginismus may be the strongest evidence that God exist. Some higher power can manipulate a woman's body for population control.

I am now an enlightened man.
I am now an enlightened man.

Tayba said...


You sure sound like an uneducated fool!

With your perception (JUST SOME EXAMPLES) it's like saying if people are poor they should live in bad conditions, starve or even worse die becuase God made them poor in the first place..


If you have an illness that is the way you should stay because God made you like that and shouldn't search for any cure.

I could go on... BUT God has indeed placed many tests for humans, and He (May He be Exalted) has also provided cures. We just have to try our best and put our reliance in HIm.

I had the same condition as SGJ, for nearly a year and just 3 weeks ago it got sorted.. IT wasn't rape or anything, at times difficulty is invovled, you get that in all walks of life. What is the point of having everything perfect, how would we ever strengthen ourselves, become wiser etc...

You clearly have no idea on why God gives us tests, so I suggest shut your trap and kindly move along, your opnions do not matter.


Maypaki said...

Vaginismus is a test?
It seems to violate his commandment to go forth and multiply.
Your God seems to contradict himself by giving women Vaginismus.

Well...after some observations, here's my conclusion:

Because God is indeed a male. The reasons are:

1.) If God is a female, she would never inflict women with painful intercourse. She would merely inflict them with infertility. Her empathy towards women's feelings will always prevail.

2.) It is known in history that men treat women as property. Therefore, if God inflicts a woman with primary vaginismus, thick hymen or dry vagina, then her vagina is now the property of God. She's meant to control the population.
God uses her as an instrument to reveal who the real rapists are, thereby upholding women's most divine right -the right NOT to be raped.

This proves that God is a male, because for him, there are things more important than empathy towards females.

This explains why painful intercourse is MORE COMMON among females than males.
Because God is a MALE and treats some women as his property to control the population.

FYI: The clitoris is not used for intercourse and pro-creation. It is used for outer-course and non-penetrative masturbation.

It maybe a different type of test.
He want's to test her obedience to her DESTINY: nunnery or celibacy.

I am now an enlightened man. Vaginismus strengthened my belief in God.

Ish Yehudi said...


Your premises make strong assumptions (e.g. that a "female god" would have empathy and avoid inflicting physical pain), but that would be a theological (or philosophical, or gender-stereotyped) discussion.

While the questions "why would God do such a thing" and the answers you've found for yourself may be interesting, worthwhile to discuss or may bring more sense to your perspective of the world, such discussions have no place here.

The author of this blog has made that much clear -the discussion is not one of theology, even though her own religiosity may be an important part of her life. Nor are you the one to provide her with your version of guidance.

On a practical note, your few unconvincing words will not change minds here, but perhaps provoke defensiveness, hostility and anger. Realizing this, you may choose to continue in what will be seen as badgering and attacking, or you may choose not to increase negativity here.

Maypaki said...

Hey! Ish Yehudi.
Here's something more condensed:

Vaginismus = male God's population control.

If a woman does not know how to use her vagina (due to her limited or lack of masturbation skills), then her vagina belongs to God.

Hey! Tayba. You said:
"With your perception (JUST SOME EXAMPLES) it's like saying if people are poor they should live in bad conditions, starve or even worse die becuase God made them poor in the first place.."

Here's my answer:

Female Masturbation is a NATURAL URGE, but some people want to get rid of it.

Having a broken hymen before sex is a NATURAL occurrence, but some people want to surgically reconstruct it.

Primary Vaginismus is a NATURAL REFLEX against harm. God does not want her NUN'S VAGINA to be violated.
It is a natural reflex just like the eyelids quickly shuts to protect the eye when an object is about to prod towards it.
It may also be the fear of sex. God inflicted her with fear to prevent her from having an intercourse.

Female Masturbation, Having a Broken Hymen before sex and Primary Vaginismus are all NATURAL.

They are NOT deadly and they do not disable other human physical activities.

A woman can still live without intercourse.

Hymen reconstruction surgery is WRONG. But God allowed it to happen.

Female Circumcision is WRONG. But God allowed it to happen.

Well...the same thing can be said about trying to cure Primary Vaginismus. We are free to do what is right and what is wrong. It is called FREE WILL.

But Cancer is NOT natural. It is deadly and we need to find cures against it.

Multiple Sclirosis, Muscular Distrophy, Parkinsons Disease are NOT natural because they severly impair human activities such as fine motor skills and memory. We should find cures against them.

Dilatadores vaginales vaginismo said...

Well wish you best of luck and you will enjoy that.

Guantes De Vinilo said...

Just started reading your blog a few days ago and it is such a delight to see this post today. Wish you best of luck.