So we attempted intercourse and we failed.
First we tried the knee-chest position. Then I tried resting my legs on his shoulders. Then I tried the woman-on-top position where I can lower myself down on him.
I'm not sure why I thought this would work and I would be able to say: Yippee! Did it! It didn't work. I was in excruciating pain as always, my husband described the sensation on his end as though I had pretty much clamped up down below and in fact my entire body started to shake in pain and fear. You heard that right. Literally my entire body in uncontrollable shaking and spasms.
This is aside from the fact that it's one thing to get paper cuts on your thumb or finger but when you get the equivalent of paper cuts down below, it hurts. And that happened. I'm not sure how but probably something to do with all that pushing. So now I have minute pinpricks of blood that show up on Kleenex.
I'm not sure what my next step is. Probably dilators, although I'm not sure if I'll just buy them on my own and try to work with them or do them under a doctor's supervision.
I read Talli Rosenbaum's "When Sex is Scary" entry today and felt a little better. Of course, that didn't prevent me from crying hopelessly in my bed with my husband's arms wrapped around me wailing that he will leave me, that he won't love me anymore, that I will never have children and that this is hopeless. And that I don't know if I can love anyone anymore because this is so draining.
On the positive side of things, one person wrote a comment I didn't publish informing me that if I have vaginismus that is Hashem's (well, or his version of Hashem's) way of saying that I should be a nun or celibate all my life. That made me smile a bit because it was so absurd. Weakly. But still, watery smiles are better than nothing.