Pesach was beautiful. We had some friends and family over at our seder. It was wonderful.
I sit here now and listen as the sound of piano music wafts up the stairs. My husband is playing. It's very beautiful and melancholy.
Every time I deny my husband sexual relations his eyes look at me and they look so sad and hurt. If I had feelings left that I could feel, I would probably be pained. But for some reasons, they've drifted so far away from me. I've gone into protective mode and this is also a selfish mode.
I need to figure out a way to get who I really am back.
4 comments:
pesach is such a bittersweet time for so many of us. i wish we could totally appreciate all the goodness which comes with the chag. but alas, our life situations makes that too difficult
I was just rereading some of your old blog entries... I loved how happy and optimistic you sounded. Maybe rereading old entries could help you recapture the mood a little too? I hope you have a truly happy pesach!
Youre such a great person!
You're very much in tune with the sadness of your situation. So the person you were isn't gone. I learned that sometimes numbness is necessary to survive. You're going through a terrible stage, and your mind and heart are trying to protect themselves from being overwhelmed. Who you were isn't lost.
I describe myself as spiritually hibernating. My passion for G-d hasn't returned to the level it once was since I started recovering from my breakdown. It's scary. I wonder if and how it will come back. But occasionally I'll have a surge of that old longing for Him....
--YCF
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