Tuesday, April 3, 2012


So we had sex recently. I had to prep for it by using the smallest dilator, then the middle one, then the largest, then the dildo. It sucked. I hate using the dilators. I cried when I shoved the large size and the dildo in.

It did prepare me for my husband, though. He went in pretty easily. He was all happy and excited about getting to have sex where it wasn't a struggle to fit him inside. I was detached, spending most of my time watching the ceiling and waiting for it to be over. I was also upset because he was being all tender (sweet chaste-like kisses) and I want him to be passionate and excited and exciting, not all tender. Tender doesn't turn me on. Anyway, he was looking forward to my continuing to use the dilators on a nightly basis and thus alleviate pain. I didn't say anything the night we had sex because I didn't want to burst his bubble.

But then I was extremely sore and in pain the whole day after we had sex. And I decided that I don't want to do the dilators, even if he says that long term they are somehow going to help. You try shoving big painful pieces of plastic inside of yourself and see how you feel.

I was upset at him for pushing me away and always putting distance between us. I said that wasn't helping us on an emotional level. So then he said: "You can't feel loved by your wife if she can't have sex, even if it's not her fault." This hurt my feelings. What about this couple?  Why can't my husband be like the husband in that story? Can't love go beyond the physical?

I know that if I don't want to do the dilators, I have to see some kind of doctor or therapist to figure out if there are any other solutions. Maybe I can try Botox. And I don't think this one fight means everything is over between my husband and me. But I do think it means that this is messing up my marriage and that he is being mean. It's mean to say that just because I don't want to be in pain that means I don't love him, even though I get that he is hurting and in pain, too. I guess we're just both being mean to each other.


Anonymous said...

The difference is that in the paraplegic marriage there is nothing the wife can do about it. This is different from a situation in which the wife can do something about it but chooses not to. One is prioritizing lack of short-term physical or emotional pain over marriage while the other is not.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps he meant he does not feel loved by you. Not that he cannot feel loved by you.

Uigur said...

I understand that it's not your fault and I wish you the greatest success in your struggle. I am just puzzled that you expect your husband to be passionate when it doesn't sound like you were passionate at all. It doesn't make sense that your husband would be passionate and/or excited when you're just lying there staring at the ceiling, or when he knows it hurts you and there's a thousand things you'd rather be doing.

Anonymous said...

Uiger, that is puzzling. It's also puzzling as to how your husband is supposed to know that being tender doesn't turn you on. Did you share this information with him? Did it occur to you that maybe he was trying to be tender so as not hurt you?

Nesya said...

It's interesting for me to read this because my husband can get very passionate during sex and I would much rather he were tender! The passion actually makes it painful for me... At any rate, it's not very clear from what you wrote whether you guys communicated (verbally) about what works and doesn't work for each of you. Even in a "normal" sexual relationship it's extremely important to be clear about what you want/don't want the other person to be doing, that's the only way it can become pleasurable for both sides. You know, unless you have superpowers of knowing what the other wants without being told. :) Good luck SJG, I know this can't be easy for you, but just keep communicating because every marriage needs that desperately.

Anonymous said...

I agree that he may have been intentionally tender so that you would feel loved and not used. It's just such a complicated situation. People are complicated. Life is complicated. --YCF

Anonymous said...

I wish that you were not facing this very difficult situation. My heart goes out to you both.

I have not read your entire blog from day 1, so please forgive me if I'm asking a redundant question. Have you considered (or sought) sex therapy? Or couples counseling? I wonder if this would be helpful for you.

Thank you so much for having such courage as to tell your story with such openness and honesty.