Fight

So we had sex recently. I had to prep for it by using the smallest dilator, then the middle one, then the largest, then the dildo. It sucked. I hate using the dilators. I cried when I shoved the large size and the dildo in.

It did prepare me for my husband, though. He went in pretty easily. He was all happy and excited about getting to have sex where it wasn't a struggle to fit him inside. I was detached, spending most of my time watching the ceiling and waiting for it to be over. I was also upset because he was being all tender (sweet chaste-like kisses) and I want him to be passionate and excited and exciting, not all tender. Tender doesn't turn me on. Anyway, he was looking forward to my continuing to use the dilators on a nightly basis and thus alleviate pain. I didn't say anything the night we had sex because I didn't want to burst his bubble.

But then I was extremely sore and in pain the whole day after we had sex. And I decided that I don't want to do the dilators, even if he says that long term they are somehow going to help. You try shoving big painful pieces of plastic inside of yourself and see how you feel.

I was upset at him for pushing me away and always putting distance between us. I said that wasn't helping us on an emotional level. So then he said: "You can't feel loved by your wife if she can't have sex, even if it's not her fault." This hurt my feelings. What about this couple?  Why can't my husband be like the husband in that story? Can't love go beyond the physical?

I know that if I don't want to do the dilators, I have to see some kind of doctor or therapist to figure out if there are any other solutions. Maybe I can try Botox. And I don't think this one fight means everything is over between my husband and me. But I do think it means that this is messing up my marriage and that he is being mean. It's mean to say that just because I don't want to be in pain that means I don't love him, even though I get that he is hurting and in pain, too. I guess we're just both being mean to each other.