Monday, January 16, 2012

Funny or Die

So I read The Camera My Mother Gave Me by Susanna Kaysen. On the one hand, it was a really good and refreshing read in that it's cool to see someone talk about this subject. And her descriptions were right on- describing her vagina as broken or feeling like someone had taken a cheese grater to her. I was a bit depressed by the end of the book, though, because at the end sex and a happy vagina were still not happening for her. So it was a bit of a downer, although realistic, I guess.

The thing that I noticed is that what enables her to write the book is her gutsy, humorous attitude towards everything. She just confronts everything head-on and she makes her misery really funny. While I think that is a great attitude for those who can do it, I think there are also those of us (like me) who don't really have the ability to use humor as a weapon. She still felt like a woman even though a part of her was not working, while I am having issues figuring out my womanhood, sexuality and so on.

So I feel like I'm more of a dispirited voice (at least in this area) than she is. Less ballsy, less funny-or-die. But I think it's good in that different people cope in different ways. I cope by thinking out loud on this blog. She copes through making the horrible laughable. I've been trying to take some pointers from her and incorporate a bit more humor into my life. It helps a little.

Anyway, when it comes to sex therapy- my insurance doesn't cover it because it's a not-in-network provider. But the bigger issue is figuring out a time when my schedule and my husband's schedule overlap so we could actually go see the person. This is turning into a challenge.

Personally, I've gotten to a point where I feel like I feel like I'm okay with a platonic or celibate marriage (celibate as in non-penetrative, not non-making out). But I know my husband's not. So I guess we have to figure out where to go from here. My issue is that I've decided I dislike everything about sex- the penetration, the pain, the stickiness of the semen, touch that tickles me- everything. Happily, sex is off the table anyway right now because my husband and I are supposed to be reestablishing intimacy (and not sex). I think this is helpful so far. I guess we'll see where we go from here.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. So tough.

I agree that not everyone needs to be the laughing type. When I went through some major struggles in recent years, a humorous approach was absolutely the last thing I needed. But yes, I'm sure a little humor now and then helps relieve your burden if only for a few minutes.

You know, it never occurred to me that semen might feel unpleasant. I wonder how I will respond to it. And I wonder how other women feel about it.

There just has to be a program out there that is free or very affordable. In a society as big and open as ours? There has to be. Will continuing praying that you find it and find relief and joy.
--YCF

Anonymous said...

Hi!
I think I commented once or twice long ago, but I have been thinking about you . . . the other night I was beginning to read the Trigger Point Therapy workbook, and it mentioned pain during sex, and I thought of you. Trigger point therapy isn't very well known and some of the descriptions make it sound like fake medicine, but once you discover (by googling) which trigger point/s would make sex hurt, the 'therapy' is free, takes about 15 seconds a couple times a day and can be done alone at home. It's helped me a lot with my carpal tunnel. I figured I'd let you know in case it might be useful to you.

-Meira

Rachel said...

Hi,

I know this probably doesn't apply to you right now, at this point in you and your husband's marriage. But . . . I remember reading and listening to a lot of women talk about their problems with vaginismus and the one thing that a lot of them shared in common was that when they got pregnant and then gave birth, sex became a lot less painful. If I remember correct, medically this phenomenon is not understood.

scarpetta said...

I am so sorry. Honestly, I've never read a blog where I wish I could help the person more, especially because it seems like you and your husband do love each other.

Something that you wrote really concerns me: "My issue is that I've decided I dislike everything about sex- the penetration, the pain, the stickiness of the semen, touch that tickles me- everything."

None of what you described is like, I don't know, a chocolate bar, but there's something about that sentence that is troubling.

I'm wondering, and I'm not a psychologist or anything, if you are on the OCD spectrum.. It doesn't have to be washing your hands 8 million times like in the movies, but maybe taking an SSRI (which I know you've been resistant to taking medication) could really help you (although for some people those medications affect sex drive - but your sex drive can't get any worse?).

It sounds like you are giving up on having a healthy sex life which I do think means giving up on a healthy marriage. I think before you do, you should consider medication. You don't have to be on it forever, and it could, with therapy, help calm your mind.

Good luck to you.

Rebecca M said...

hey, are you familiar with scarleteen.com ? It's an excellent sex ed site that helped me fill in some major gaps left by my day school's "family life" programming. Dunno if it'll be up your alley or not, but could be worth checking out.

wishing you lots of luck.