Monday, January 23, 2012

Banana Split

We interrupt our regularly scheduled doom-filled programming to tell you the following....

Cupcakes are DELICIOUS.

I decided I was going to do something to make myself feel a bit more upbeat. So I went to the bakery and bought a banana-split cupcake. It was amazing. I never knew a cupcake could taste like a banana split in your mouth.

I think if I liked sex half as much as I like sweets, my husband and I would be in business.

In all seriousness- are any of you guys reading this blog husbands? I feel like my husband could use some support as well. So dear men who are married or in relationships with women who have pain with sex- how do you cope? What do you do? Is it just a lot of porn and masturbation for you, or have you come upon a more sophisticated method than that? Any and all advice or responses will be appreciated.


Ba'al Ha-Boss said...

As a husband, I really hope your husband has someone to talk to. It must be excruciating for him to go to a social event and think he has to act normal with all the other young married guys who (we like to think) are having tons of fun with their (respective!) wives, and he's suffering and has to keep it to himself. If you were hit by a car and in a wheelchair everyone would offer their sympathies, but when it's something this private he carries it alone.

I really hope he has a competent rabbi to talk to as well.

From post to post, you've varied from "oh this is getting better" to "this is never going to work." If he feels like this just needs a few more months, okay fine. If he feels like he bought a mystery box and is now trapped with it for life ... not so good. I really hope things improve.

The Gemara does say that a man can wind up in an awful marriage that he can't do anything about; at which point all we can say is accept it as Divine plan, and that he's already seen enough Hell he doesn't have to worry about what happens after death.

Sad Jewish Girl said...

Ba'al Ha-Boss- at some point I think you forgot you were talking to real people here. Mystery box? Trapped? awful marriage? Hell? Go easy on the antagonistic adjectives, please.

Anonymous said...

"Banana Split" is an interesting and thought-provoking title for a post on a blog about pain upon penetration- namely, when your husband's "banana" would normally "split" your vagina. Just an observation.

In seriousness though, I think maybe your husband could start a blog of his own for men in his position; why keep the lessons and support to be gleaned from your condition and situation from the woman's perspective exclusively? Maybe encourage him to get his own thoughts and feelings out there on the web, and maybe he will prove more of a resource to other men than can be foreseen. Even normal sex lives in Orthodoxy are spent nearly half in abstinence due to Niddah, so maybe the skills he learns about sublimating his sexual energy and impulse can be of great value to all men. Who knows?

Also, I think you should be doing everything you can to regain your appreciation for sensuality and sensory pleasure. I'm glad to hear you really savored the flavor of that cupcake- that means you have the elemental capacity to enjoy sensuality which is critical to ultimately enjoying sex as a sensory indulgence. You have been turned off to sex as a form of sensory stimulation due to the pain it has caused you anatomically and psychologically. Therefore, your post is actually a positive sign, in that you have not lost your ability to engage in self-loving behaviors and sensory gratification. It may sound like a stretch (vagina pun), but the ability to derive pleasure from the sensation of taste, smell, touch, and texture is very similar between food and sex.

I'm confident and hopeful for the day that a good romp in the hay with your husband will be your favorite thing to do after a big meal- even more than having dessert:)

notahusband said...

I'm not a husband, but I'm not understanding why you can't pleasure/satisfy him in other ways, even if he can't penetrate you. You're completely incapable of engaging in any kind of sexually intimate activity?

Anonymous said...

Hi there, I am also suffering from vaginismus . I am in my late 20s and have been married for 8 months. I am still fighting my battle and very sure that I would win some day ... At present I am working with dialators ... It's frustrating but that's the only way ... Here there are no therapists and the gyneac told me that's its pretty much in my head .... After doing a lot of research I realised what my problem was. I ordered dialators and started working .... I am making small progress by my own now . I am very happy abt the same. I am not sexually abused but come from an orthodox upbringing ... Plz do not worry abt the porn bit and mastrubation .... It will all stop once u overcome the difficulty... Keep faith in god ..... We will talk soon

Anonymous said...

Last commenter, what do you mean there are no therapists here? Aren't there therapists everywhere?

Anonymous said...

The country where i belong to doesnt have good Therapist unfortunately.... and all i could here was that it was in my head and i was adviced to relax and have good thoughts! Well that just cant be true when i am experiencing real pain... - Last Commenter( K)

Maypaki said...

Primary Vaginismus.
If you have it, then your body is NOT designed for sex.

It is God's way of telling a woman that she is DESTINED to become a nun or celibate.
So if you have it, go on and BECOME A NUN.
That's because it is God's way of controlling the global population. God created women with such sexual dysfunction to keep them away from sex and thus preventing conception. Unfortunately, most women don't realize it and would still go through days and weeks of therapy which is just time consuming.

Trying to remedy your condition is against God's will.
God does NOT want you to have sex.
If you're a woman, don't get married & don't have sex if your VAGINA wont let you.
God had CLOSED the gates of your virginity.
It is time to give up on men and become a NUN.

VAGINISMUS may be the answer to overpopulation.
God truly works in strange ways.

itchemeyer said...

Maypaki how did you find out about the internet? Do they have computers in your timeline?

Anonymous said...

As a husband whose wife suffered for several years.. my suggestion would be that you both enjoy mutual masturbation and some oral/genital contact if you're comfortable with that. Why define sex by intercourse alone right now? Be intimate, give each other orgasms.. embrace and enjoy each other.

Anonymous said...

As a frum husband who suffers from an extreme case of PE, I fully sympathize and empathize with you.
Hang in there, don't give up hope.
Don't let it get to where my marriage got, worse than a platonic relationship: frustration has grown into resentment and anger, and sex has dwindles to less than once every five weeks (it's been almost ten weeks, on this latest stretch, since our last contact).
Please be optimistic about yourself, there is still so much that you can do!

Aurie said...

Dear previous commenters: please look into Orthodox Judaism, most forms of sex which result in semen being "spilled" outside of the vagina are a no-no. Given the circumstances she and her husband could receive a go-ahead of sorts from an understanding rabbi. You should really try to be better educated before accusing the author of being incapable of sexual intimacy! Besides, if you had read her previous entries you would see that intimacy of non-penetrative nature is not a problem. She has a stellar husband.