Friday, July 22, 2011


Despite the fact that many people have been supportive and helpful to me by email, it makes sense to me that nobody else has really written publicly about this subject. Yeah, sometimes people post up on the ImaMother boards or ATIME but that's not a whole record of their experiences.

The reason why is it's hard to be judged by everyone.

At least I'm anonymous. But it's pretty horrible for so many people to completely misunderstand my situation and sit here calling my problems 'awful,' me 'abnormal', my perspective 'skewed,' or otherwise be telling me that I'm stupid, wonder how it's possible I didn't know stuff that to them seems basic. Leaving aside the people who just laugh at my whole situation and think that a bottle of wine would be the magic pill.

That's aside from the many people who have postulated that me and my husband will always have problems because of this and that we are otherwise messed up.

It's weird how it seems so hard for the average person to just be compassionate, be happy this is a problem you don't have and be supportive. If your friend had cancer you would do that. But instead of that a lot of you blame me and just make me feel more and more defective. I'm feeling bad enough already. Why do you need to add to it.

It's not like I'm a product that you can just take back to the shop and say, I'd like to return it.

A lot of you could stand to learn from Taanis 20a-b.


Anonymous said...

I'm not a doctor or an expert on anything, but . . . considering how far you guys have come in such a short time, I think there's every reason to believe you'll have satisfying intercourse. Like many things, it will probably take longer than you think you can bear, and there will be times along the way when your hopes are dashed . . . that is 'normal'.
In some ways, I think the hardest part will be to not take the disappointments too seriously. If you feel sad, you'll want to acknowledge that, but I think there will be a lot of moments where you're going to have to shake off the sadness and actively force yourself to be optimistic. It's very hard to do, shaking off the sadness, but if you can manage it, it will make the whole 'journey' more 'fun' . . .

You two, together, have already accomplished amazing things, even though they may not seem like much. I've heard a funny phrase: Keep trudging the happy road to destiny . . . keep trudging. You're getting there.

Anonymous said...

Guess I made things worse. I do not think at all that you are stupid. I do think you were unclear and easily misunderstood. I am sorry I hurt you.

rm said...

It's so sad that crotchety anonymous people have stupidly chosen to pick on your words about this sensitive subject.

You have done an incredible service for women (and maybe even men) by writing this blog. I know other people who are rooting for you as well. I even know someone who started wearing tampons for the first time thanks to this blog! So thank you from all of us.

Shlomo said...

It is the people who spew anonymous hate on the internet who are DEFECTIVE. Spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually defective. Oh, and cowards too.

still waiting said...

as a single i often suffer the same accusations. i recently was attacked on my own blog as well. unfortunately many of us suffer different situations that are hard for outsiders to understand and instead of trying to understand or just sympathize they place blame or name call. i wish everyone would just ease up on us, we are having a hard enough time!

Anonymous said...

I don't know about anyone else but I wasn't trying to "pick on your words" or be hateful. You stated your understanding of something. You said it was what you had been told. It didn't sound right to me. Thinking about it from your perspective, I wouldn't want you to be misinformed yet again. And I wouldn't want you to inadvertently misinform others as you continue your good efforts to inform. If I caused you to feel attacked I truly am sorry. I am now feeling attacked and misunderstood as well.

Anonymous said...

After the last post I was thinking of suggesting that you disable comments, but I was afraid people would say I was trying to shut down communication. I don't know. While it is good to have feedback and conversation, I think I would get really discouraged to have any kind of controversy if I were posting about something so sensitive.

Yedid Nefesh said...

I've been showing your blog to a couple of my friends because I am so touched by what you're going through yet it's so foreign to me (still single, still a virgin). I sincerely think your blog is one of the greatest out there for besides for being moving, its helpful to lots of people who might be in your situation and feeling embarrassed or helpless about it.

V said...

Ya, I get those comments too. Strangely, it's the ones who mean well that seem to hurt the most. When somebody comes on my site and tells me I'm defective and mentally disturbed and that the world is a better place for the fact that nobody has the misfortune of having to have sex with me, I just laugh.

But the ones who say that somehow if I just relaxed and stopped worrying about it then everything would be fine... Well, those are the comments that actually make me feel as if I am defective. Surely I should just be able to decide one day: from now on I will be sexually normal.

Anyways... Be you. Live your life to the best of your ability. And thank you for sharing.