Sunday, July 10, 2011

Blue

So I'm back to being blue.

We were so happy about the consummation, the penetrative non-painful sex and all that. But then I stopped doing the 10 minutes of dilation every day, thinking that I could just do that before we actually had sex. We tried that and we realized: no go. Pain is back. I need to stretch those muscles every day consistently.

What's worse is that when we did try to have sex that time (when I just stretched the muscles immediately before) I couldn't move to help him or interact with him at all because I was in pain. Not excruciating pain like before but still unpleasant. So I just lay there like a dead fish. It got better toward the end when I guess my body had become used to him and was also more lubricated.

When I checked afterward, there were little tiny papercuts around my vagina. That was why his semen had hurt me; it had burned when it made contact with the cuts (which were bleeding, by the way). I'm not sure what causes the cuts. Maybe vaginal dryness, but that would be weird because after all we do use a lot of lubricant.

I also don't feel attractive or sexy anymore. It's a huge mood-killer when you have to lie in bed and dilate yourself for 10 minutes with the large size dilator and another 10 minutes with the dildo before you can even begin thinking about making love to your husband. And your husband also has to sit there for 20 minutes or so just waiting for the good stuff to start. I mean, yes, he could engage in foreplay while I'm dilating but it's a bit hard to do because when I first insert the dilator I'm in pain and not really interested in kisses.

We are still hugely happy we consummated our marriage and we're glad that we know that it is possible to have pain-free sex. My husband is an angel. I'm the one who gets all weepy and tells him I know he's going to leave me and this isn't what he imagined when he married me and how am I supposed to look forward to sex when it hurts me. And he cuddles with me and says it'll be okay, we're going to get there and of course it makes sense I don't want to have sex when it's painful.

I guess I feel disappointed because I had thought once we had gotten to the goal of consummating the marriage it would all be better but it isn't yet. Hopefully soon.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I had some of the same problem--never needed to use dilators, but it was VERY painful. It got better after the first childbirth (and much better after a nurse noticed how painful an exam was for me, and explained that relaxing my tuchus would relax my vagina), but the pain didn't go away for me until after the second childbirth.

If you can have sex, you can get pregnant, and that may eventually take care of the rest...

Abandoning Eden said...

the cuts could actually be from too much lubrication- are you sure to always use the bathroom to pee and dry off everything down there after sex/any use of the lubricant? If you are just wet down there all the time (If you don't clean yourself up afterwards) you could be getting a mild yeast infection, and sometimes people with yeast infections will get like kinda sores that are red. The trick is to always clean yourself up after sex/anything involving wetness down there.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately I know this feeling all too well. When I struggled with painful sex, I was overjoyed the first time we had sex that didn't hurt and I thought all my troubles were over.

But there are always going to be good days and bad days. I do believe you will reach a point where the dilators will no longer be necessary, but don't expect every time you have sex to be perfect. No one can say that sex is always wonderful, even if they've never struggled with a sexual disorder.

It may take some more work, but you'll get there and your sex life will normalize. Just remember that everyone on this blog is rooting for you and praying for you. You can do it! :)

still waiting said...

im so so sorry. i wanted happily ever after for you. your honesty is both painful and refreshing. hatzlacha to you and your special husband

Boxed Whine said...

Things like this take time. You did reach a big milestone, but keep dilating yourself and keep practicing, don't expect it all to happen right away.

Anonymous said...

If your vagina is too tight, you could be getting friction burns, especially if your husband takes a while to ejaculate. This can happen even if you're lubricated- the lube might just bunch up at the top after a while!

Anonymous said...

The cuts could actually be a yeast infection. Do you use sugar-based lubrication? Have you ever had high blood sugar? Have you recently taken antibiotics? This can result in what looks like cuts in the vulva. The sexual activity further irritates things. Can you go back to the center and be examined? It would be good to get the diagnosis confirmed and serious underlying causes ruled out before treating. Treatment is fairly simple, usually just a cream or suppository. You'll also need a little time for the breaks in the skin to heal. You'd need to from then on just take care to avoid making the environment inviting for the microorganisms that cause this irritation. Taking probiotic supplements daily could be helpful. Also you might want to determine whether your husband has been affected and if so how to treat him.

In what way did you incorporate the dilation into foreplay as mentioned in the previous post? Also, can you tell us what position or positions you used then? And when you as you wrote slipped him in, how exactly did that work?

Maybe if you continue to do the ten minutes of dilation every day you won't need to in addition do the twenty minutes before being with your husband, or at least not immediately before.

You did reach the goal of consummation, but you need a longer-term plan. It might be a good idea to have a follow-up appointment at the center.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that you're sad. I know it's hard.

Anonymous said...

It would agree with one of the earlier posts. Childbirth helps. My wife had this. We were able to consumate but only with considerable pain. BAby 1 helped it. Baby 2 made it all fine.

Anonymous said...

Your blog has definitely made me think about getting some help. I've been married less than a year, and we have sex, but it hurts. The first few times were terrible, and now it's not terrible, but it still hurts and there's no way I can orgasm that way. I don't get any pleasure out of it other than the fact I enjoy pleasing my husband. It's gotten to the point though where I am relieved when I am in nidah, since I can just masturbate and orgasm and not be in pain. And I feel terrible about that.

Anonymous said...

It would be great if you could separate the dilating from being with your husband, so that the former is some sort of daily exercise routine for health purposes and the latter is its own thing.

If you do the daily ten minutes of dilation in the mornings you can think of it as the same thing as going running or working out. Actually is there a type of exercise you've enjoyed in the past? Running, swimming, biking, etc.? Since you've been experiencing your body not working as you would expect and having to pay so much attention to that, you might want to also engage in physical activity unrelated to the vaginismus, one where you don't have reason to worry about how your body responds.

Maybe you can take a short bath at the end of the day each day and dilate for the twenty minutes while relaxing in the tub. By the time you then finish getting ready for bed any pain from the dilation will have had more time to abate. When you get to bed you'll have already done the dilation and not in the bed and maybe have relaxed a little from the bath, and therefore feel less unsexy and more easily aroused. And if you do this every day, then it will just be what you do whether you know you will be with your husband or not. You'd always be prepared!

Your husband loves you. He doesn't want to hurt you. He knows that not being able to easily be with him is upsetting for you and that you are working so hard to improve matters. This isn't a case of a frigid, uncaring, disinterested wife. When you weepily express how awful you feel about the situation, he feels awful that you feel awful because he loves you but he also is reassured about your love and care and concern for him. He tells you it will be okay, and it will be. The sexual difficulties stink, but your marriage is enviable.

Did you have to count seven clean days after the night when you succeeded in consummation?

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Anonymous said...

Great blog. I definitely concur that it could be a yeast infection or a bacterial infection. I had weird papercuts and my doctor did swab test and I had both yeast and bacteria. Cleared up after a week of anti-funghal and antibiotics.

Sex can be physically painful, so I'm not surprised that you just lie there like a dead fish. I really think eventually you will find your groove. Even with my partner of three years, sex is painful for the first 30 seconds or so until I get in the right position. And, I do have a burning sensation sometimes after, particularly if the sex lasts a little longer.

You have accomplished so much. I agree with the commenter above who said, there are good days and bad days with sex. Keep on trying.

Anonymous said...

survey about sexual pain and pleasure

http://www.medpagetoday.com/PublicHealthPolicy/PublicHealth/22538?

Anonymous said...

okay, ive never read your blog until today and i think how your dealing with this is just amazing. i wanted to suggest something and i apologize if someone has already suggested this in the past. The only lubricant that works for me is a silicone based one (like ID - can find on drugstore.com or ive even seen it in rite aid recently). The water based lubricants - like KY - actually irritated me and made me susceptible to cuts like you described in this post. Made for a very unpleasant experience for awhile.