We figured out something that works, is enjoyable and that makes me feel sexy. The imagination is a wonderful tool.
-I took the advice of one of the commenters here who separated dilation completely from foreplay. I did my dilation for 40 minutes (20 with large dilator, 20 with the dildo) while my husband took a shower. Then I put on my lingerie/negligee, had him come into the room and so on and the good times began. The separation mentally between the two different states (off state where I relax and just dilate, on state with my husband) worked really well.
-I found that the addition of a pair of really high sexy heels to my normal outfit made me feel more in control and overall more dominant. The power rush was liberating. This heightened my ability to feel sexy as well. I'm sharing this only because it might work for someone else in my position.
-We also made sure the bedroom had candles, soft towels, delicious smelling body butters and other good stuff as always.
I'm (or I could say we're) quite happy with the results of our experimentation.