Monday, July 9, 2012

The Toll It Takes

So my husband and I have done a pretty good job of selling you the idea that though we have our ups and downs, in the end of the day we're committed and we're sticking together, no matter what. And while this is the ideal, I just wanted to speak to the toll that all of this has been taking on our marriage.

When my husband and I got married, we were very much in love. All you have to do is look at our wedding video (or have attended the wedding) to see proof of that. We're beaming, totally joyous and radiant. We just look super happy on every level.

As I mentioned when I started the blog, the wedding night itself was fine because we didn't even try to have sex- my husband could see that I was scared and so we refrained. But every night after that meant that we were suddenly part of a highly stressful, highly disturbing and unpleasant situation. We said things to each other that we shouldn't have said. We fought and we blamed each other.

Eventually, we achieved some sort of measure of treatment through the Center for Female Sexuality and the dilation kit. But while that helped me to consummate my marriage, that didn't take the pain away. We got to the point where I was totally avoidant when it came to intimacy and sexuality. I would avoid my husband physically and more importantly, emotionally. I emotionally shut down.

And the thing with this emotional shutdown is that it's not easy to see. Anyone who would be invited to our Shabbat table would see a glowing couple happily setting out cholent, kishke, kugel and the likes. It's not that we are trying to give a credible impression of happiness; it's that doing those non-threatening things, we actually ARE happy. But when it comes to any deep emotional intimacy between the two of us, we've each retreated to our trenches. We've pulled away and it's gotten to the point where we need to actually invest a lot of work into fixing it.

I've chosen to get therapy to work on these issues. I really feel like my husband and I have been living in a war zone. It's just that instead of being under fire from bullets, we and my body have turned into the enemies and aggressors. And it got to a point where it was just easier to retreat from one another than to try to turn this situation around.

I am still hopeful and I think that if our marriage is meant to be and meant to last, we will be able to see it through. But I just wanted to be straight with you about the costs of being in this relationship. It's not easy is the understatement of the century.

It's dark in my corner of the woods but I have hope that there's a lantern on somewhere.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's beyond heartbreaking that something that you couldn't have anticipated has had such a huge effect on your life. I can only imagine what your marriage would have been like without this issue. I am so sad for you and praying for you. I agree that it can still turn around and be glorious beyond belief. I am facing a challenge that I can't seem to overcome...I keep reminding myself what a huge turnaround has taken place in other areas of my life. --YCF

Shira said...

I'm so sorry things are hard for you right now. Hope the therapy helps you get to a better place...

Anonymous said...

You might find this study interesting.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/09/from-sex-to-love-emotional-attachment-sexual-desire-brain-dating_n_1659334.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Anonymous said...

I'm sure people recommend specific doctors to you all the time, but my friend had the exact same symptoms as you. she saw every single doctor imaginable up and down the east coast and finally found one who was amazing and was able to cure her. her name is dr. susan kellogg spadt (http://www.pelvicandsexualhealthinstitute.org/pelvic.nsf/SBH/4B6169E4DBF3905B85256BAA0051D73C?OpenDocument). she's in philadelphia, but you might want to give her a call.

Anonymous said...

I'm so, so sorry for your pain. I would suggest that you try and maximize opportunities for those 'non-threatening things' that will strengthen your relationship. I very much hope you will both be able to focus on your love for each other and get through this - but I also want to say that everything you say here is totally understandable and normal. I would imagine that all married couples go through stressful times that affect their relationship - mine certainly has had its ups and downs, despite our deep love for each other - but the fact that the stress in yours started so early on must make it even more difficult. My husband and I, for example, had a very difficult few months when our son was small, not sleeping well, and the exhaustion and stress of trying to sleep train him while both of us were also working fulltime really affected our relationship badly. At the time I worried we'd never retrieve the easy, loving relationship we'd once had - but we did. I pray that the two of you will conquer this together and that the suffering you have gone through will serve to ultimately make your bond that much stronger.

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry. :(

still waiting said...

love your last line about the darkness and lantern! so relate!!!

Tom said...

I could understand how rough this must be for you because aside from a sexual connection, an emotional one is the biggest factor in a relationship. If you are shut down emotionally then you are shutting your relationship down, I hope you can turn this around!

tracey said...

I'm so sorry and I can SO relate to your pain. My husband and I had an unconsummated marriage for seven years. It was horrible. Once we recovered some level of sexual function, we soon discovered we suffered from reproductive dysfunction and were unable to have children. We've been married for 20 years and while we are great companions and friends, we are not lovers, really. The sexual part of our relationship has just been too broken for too long. The only reason we've stayed together is our mutual faith in God. Even our own family members don't know the whole story of what we've been through. Obviously, they know we couldn't have kids, but they know nothing of everything that came before. I mean, it's not something you just share openly with people, right? "Hey, guess what? We can't have sex!" You just don't go telling people that. I was a virgin when we got married and seven years later, I was still a virgin. When we came back from our honeymoon, we got all the typical jokes newlyweds get about the alleged non-stop sex we were having, etc. Little did anyone know that we had NO sex at all during our honeymoon and any attempts ended in tears. We ended up doing the thing that no one does on their honeymoon: sightseeing, and lots of it. In the back of our closet, I still have a ribbon-tied box of all the gorgeous lingerie I received for my bridal shower. None of it was ever worn. I know it all sounds like some kind of ridiculous movie melodrama that can barely be believed, but sadly, it's all true. My prayer for you is that you can work through some of this now while your marriage is still young and that you can find some healing and restoration. I'm trying to learn to be content with the marriage that we DO have, despite the fact it's not what I would have wanted. We are GREAT friends and that is not nothing. No, it's not everything, but it's not nothing, either.

I don't mean to be a downer and I do believe that there's hope for you if you actively pursue it now. In the meantime, you can work on developing/focusing on the parts of your relationship that do work.

I wish you all the best.