I don't really relate to tragedy on a national scale. It's too hard for me to wrap my mind around; too great for me to fathom. So while many thoughts flitted through my mind this evening - including the sweet dead baby from the Fogel family- what I found myself most relating to was my own issue of sexual dysfunction.
The entirety of Chapter 3 of Eicha brought it home to me. I really connected to those words. They resonated with me.
"He has worn away my flesh and skin; He has broken my bones. He has besieged me and encircled me with bitterness and travail. He has placed me in darkness like the eternally dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; He has weighted down my chain. Though I would cry out and plead, He shut out my prayer. He has walled up my roads with hewn stones; He distorted my paths."
"My soul despaired of peace; I have forgotten goodness."
"It is good to hope silently for Hashem's salvation. It is good for a man that he bear a yoke in his youth."
"For the Lord does not reject forever; He first afflicts, then pities according to His abundant kindness. For he does not torment capriciously, nor afflict man."
I feel guilty for relating Eicha to this situation of mine when it was created to talk of much worse situations. I understand that Bnei Yisrael were literally kicked out of their land. Their Temple was destroyed; compassionate women boiled their own children or took food and refused to give it to their children- instead, eating it themselves. I know that Eicha is about national destruction, national turmoil and true exile, but I have to say that when I was in shul hearing those words, they spoke to me on a personal level, not on a national level.
I know the pain I feel is small and like nothing in comparison to what everyone else has suffered and is suffering, but there it is. It's how I feel. I feel like God has given me this test for reasons I don't understand and I'm not sure yet how long I will be living with it. I feel walled in, besieged and encircled. I hope God will help me.