So my husband and I have done a pretty good job of selling you the idea that though we have our ups and downs, in the end of the day we're committed and we're sticking together, no matter what. And while this is the ideal, I just wanted to speak to the toll that all of this has been taking on our marriage.
When my husband and I got married, we were very much in love. All you have to do is look at our wedding video (or have attended the wedding) to see proof of that. We're beaming, totally joyous and radiant. We just look super happy on every level.
As I mentioned when I started the blog, the wedding night itself was fine because we didn't even try to have sex- my husband could see that I was scared and so we refrained. But every night after that meant that we were suddenly part of a highly stressful, highly disturbing and unpleasant situation. We said things to each other that we shouldn't have said. We fought and we blamed each other.
Eventually, we achieved some sort of measure of treatment through the Center for Female Sexuality and the dilation kit. But while that helped me to consummate my marriage, that didn't take the pain away. We got to the point where I was totally avoidant when it came to intimacy and sexuality. I would avoid my husband physically and more importantly, emotionally. I emotionally shut down.
And the thing with this emotional shutdown is that it's not easy to see. Anyone who would be invited to our Shabbat table would see a glowing couple happily setting out cholent, kishke, kugel and the likes. It's not that we are trying to give a credible impression of happiness; it's that doing those non-threatening things, we actually ARE happy. But when it comes to any deep emotional intimacy between the two of us, we've each retreated to our trenches. We've pulled away and it's gotten to the point where we need to actually invest a lot of work into fixing it.
I've chosen to get therapy to work on these issues. I really feel like my husband and I have been living in a war zone. It's just that instead of being under fire from bullets, we and my body have turned into the enemies and aggressors. And it got to a point where it was just easier to retreat from one another than to try to turn this situation around.
I am still hopeful and I think that if our marriage is meant to be and meant to last, we will be able to see it through. But I just wanted to be straight with you about the costs of being in this relationship. It's not easy is the understatement of the century.
It's dark in my corner of the woods but I have hope that there's a lantern on somewhere.