Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Psych Wars

So I found pelvic floor therapy very helpful, soothing and comforting but there's a couple of issues:

1) The cost is prohibitive
2) I really didn't like doing my homework. I was supposed to work with the dilators, just slowly twisting them in and inserting them and I could not muster up the desire or will to do that every day on a consistent basis.

I am now in a bad place. My husband and I have tried to make love three different times and each time I am in his arms like a limp fish, just hanging out there sadly. I love cuddling and I love feeling close to him but I seem to have no sexual desire or excitement. I feel like my feelings have been cut off and put into some sort of little box somewhere in my body that I cannot reach, uncover or open. So there I am, naked with him and feeling obligated to make love to him because after all, I'm his wife and we've only had sex once this month...and it just doesn't work. He'll try to arouse me and I won't even be wet. It's like my brain has decided: To hell with all of this. I want a platonic marriage and that's it.

Obviously this isn't good. I don't know what's going on with the seperation of the emotions and them being banished to some little box I can't open. I don't know why I feel no desire (it might have to do with feeling resentment toward my husband because of the obligation where I'm *supposed* to be having sex with him when I feel like penetration ALWAYS hurts). Basically, though, this is probably the point at which I need to find a sex therapist and see whether there's anything they can do to help me. More prohibitive costs coming up soon.

Happy Chanukah.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't give up! Your loyal readers are behind you!

Anonymous said...

Arousal and wetness don't always happen together... that's why there are so many options for lubricants. Coconut oil is our favorite. And using one makes the whole thing more comfortable, even if my discomfort has never been as difficult as yours.

Anonymous said...

Can you get regular therapy from a regular psychologist or psychiatrist or social worker using your health insurance (if you have)? Even if not sex specific, maybe that would help. You have been through a lot, and it's not surprising that you would feel overwhelmed.

Abandoning Eden said...

are you on any kind of hormonal birth control? When I was on the pill I had no sex drive at all.

But yeah, in your case it's probably your body rebelling against something that is painful to it. I think therapy is probably a good next step.

scarpetta said...

I'm really sorry that you are having such a hard time. I hope one day you won't have to deal with this.

Anonymous said...

I understand what you are going through. Have you tried using Esracain Cream (also known as Lidocaine)along with your other lubricants? I am also dealing with vestibulitis and Vaginismus, and my pelvic floor therapist has me apply the cream to the spots that usually sting or hurt about 3-5 minutes before I work with my dialators or attempt intercourse. It helps so much! I have terrible insurance, so I usually pay for the cream out of pocket, and it is not at all expensive. Be sure to get at least 5% Lidocaine, and get a cream, not a gel. Use about a "pea-sized" amount. When used with other lubricants, this might help with the "physical" challenges, but therapy may help with the emotional hardship. My husband and I have been working through this for 4 years, and I swear it will get better.

Anonymous said...

I really think you need to consider some sort of therapy at this point-simply because you are under a tremendous amount of strain, both physically and emotionally and I think it would really help you to be supported through this by a professional.

Anonymous said...

As someone who is a totally different person after therapy, I want to encourage you that what you are feeling (emotionally) sounds completely "treatable." This can get better. You won't feel like this always.

That doesn't mean it's not awful right now, but I'm just reminding you that this is not your whole life. I was just thinking today that I never believed life could be anything other than miserable (I have a history of severe depression), and after good therapy I find myself enjoying many aspects of life. It's kind of weird! ha ha

--Your Christian Friend (I usually forget to sign my messages. I was the one who wrote the note the other day saying I was praying for you. :) Still am.

Anonymous said...

I agree with anonymous above. I recommend seeing a psychiatrist about this as well. This is not ONLY a body thing. The mind is a large aspect of it as well. Learning mastery over both is what will help you overcome this, and it looks like you're heading in the right direction.

At the end of the day though, you are not that unusual. You are a normal person with a treatable medical condition that is common to the orthodox community (but not largely discussed).

Keep at it. The patients with the best success are the ones who are self-motivated to beat the problem.

Anonymous said...

I would agree that seeing a good psychologist specializing in marriage counseling is the way to go. I would also recommend the therapist be female and only you and the therapist be in the sessions so you can fully express yourself. Many prominent people in the community have been to a therapist at some point or another, especially for marriage and relationship assistance. Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

It's normal for married couples (even couples in love) to NOT have sex at every available opportunity. You are allowed to give yourselves permission to take a break, even when you are not a nidah. It doesn't mean you love each other or want each other any less.