Saturday, October 29, 2011


I've been having a lot of trouble of late with 'shoulds' and 'musts.' My brain is all about 'you should be having sex with your husband a lot more often than you are choosing to have sex. You are not a good wife if you do not do this.' The other part of me is feeling exhausted, unhappy and frustrated and is sitting there saying: This hurts. It does not make sense to do something that hurts you. Plus, I feel like by now I hate sex- I hate everything about it- the fact that it's like a chore I'm supposed to do and I hate the stickiness and I just hate everything.

I've also been trying to figure out what exactly the pain is about. What I've discovered is the pain specifically happens upon initial insertion/ penetration and sometimes also when my husband withdraws (especially if he's still hard when doing so). It's almost like there's a ring of something there that really hurts. We've also discovered that different lubricants make a difference. KY Jelly and plain olive oil really work well for us; Astroglide is awful.

Anyway, I made an appointment with the pelvic floor therapist but now I am frustrated because they have this rule that I need to be referred by an MD. So that's annoying because this is a private situation that I am dealing with and it's very upsetting to me that I potentially have to reveal what's going on to yet another person just so that they can write me a stupid referral. I think that is unfair. Hopefully I can just get in touch with my gyencologist and have her refer me, but it's still very annoying.

But then comes the good times, after all this complaining...the times when I'm not exhausted and feeling like this is a chore I'm supposed to do in good wifely fashion, the times when I'm actually excited and aroused by my husband, the times when we're both in tune and those times go well...except for the initial penetration part of the scenario.

I think a major issue for people in my situation is that we have no idea what it is to look forward to. I'm expending all this effort and energy just to try to get sex to not hurt. I have no idea what it's like when it's actually enjoyable. And it's hard to keep working on this when you have no idea what you are working TOWARD. What am I trying to get to? What is an enjoyable sex life like? I have no idea.

But at least I do know what shared intimacy and love is like, and hopefully that's enuogh to buoy me up in the meantime.


Anonymous said...

I think the bigger problem you have, aside from getting penetration not to hurt, is equating sex with penetration. There are so many other ways for you to satisfy each other sexually (ie: oral sex, mutual masturbation, etc). Penetration is only one small aspect of sexuality. If you need a heter, talk to a rav, I can't believe you wouldn't get one from an understanding rav. Get the book Kosher Sex. You're both missing out for no rational reason.

In certain ways you're stuck in your own romantic movie "Poor me, damsel in distress who has an amazingly understanding husband". You might have trouble having him penetrate you without pain, but there's no reason you can't learn how to give good hand and blow jobs to satisfy him and vice versa. For God's sake, give the man a break! And if you find the idea of hand/blow jobs too "dirty" that it distorts your image of a perfect rose colored marriage, please understand that it's simply unreasonable for a married man to go years on end without regular sexual satisfaction. (speaking as a frum woman who's been married for 10 years). Sex is not so much about "being in tune", it's about doing everything in your power to satisfy each other. You have trouble getting his penis into your vagina. It doesn't sound like you have a problem with your hand or mouth.

Anonymous said...

What a great, heartfelt post. Thanks for sharing. Hope you can get the referral from the gyn with no hassles.

I'm still a virgin but once I get married I think I'll have a much more patient approach to sexual development as a result of following your journey.

Yedid Nefesh said...

I feel the same as Anon #2 ( and i want a husband as understanding as yours, vs a boyfriend pressuring me to make out)