So while the consummation of our marriage was a great first step, I'm getting tired of sex always meaning pain. Either it means pain that comes from inserting the dilators before we have sex, or it means the pain of my husband inserting his penis and moving it around when we ARE having sex. (Oh, by the way, that was a big step- we graduated to being able to have sex without prepping with dilators first. My reasoning was, if it's going to hurt either way, I'd rather we had the spontaneity part still and you can penetrate me rather than a piece of plastic).
I'm looking into pelvic floor therapy. Maybe they will be able to help me to relax my muscles so that penetration does not equate with pain.
My poor husband feels horrible because he wants to be intimate with me but he knows that that means pain for me. He feels selfish. (I tell him he isn't and it's totally natural for a husband to want to sleep with his wife.) I feel like a horrible wife because I turn him away and we only get two weeks a month anyway to be intimate because of the whole Niddah thing.
This Rosh Hashana I prayed that we be able to fix this so that sex was not something I dreaded but rather a good and happy thing like it is in other people's marriages. I feel really down about this. Before I got married I was such a sexual creature. I loved petting and necking and kissing and all that stuff and was excited about going further. Who knew it would turn into a nightmare?
I just wish I could be a better wife to my husband.
4 comments:
I really relate to what you write. Sex is also painful for me. It was seriously intolerable at first, and now (less than a year later) it's tolerable, but still painful. Most women want sex to last a while -- I want it to just be over pretty much as quickly as reasonably possible. We use KY, which I think helps a little, but I hate how it feel so sticky afterwards. I feel so guilty that I look forward to being in nida. (Like you, I love all the foreplay.)
I can imagine how hard this is. I really can. I hope pelvic floor therapy helps.
SJG,
After getting to the point where penetration was possible I have found it better on top so that I have more control over thrusting and the position of my pelvis relative to his penis. Have tried that?
Also, have you considered going on the seasonal type pill so that you have a few months together before becoming a nidda? That definitely helped us. It also means less psychological pressure with a sort of ticking clock till your period.
Have you considered both seeing the sex/physical therapist together to discuss things. The ones I saw out on LI (close to a decade ago) had us both come in at least once.
I don't want to tell you to stop turning him down, because clearly it hurts and an it's your body, not his. But consider a few things that I have found. First, it's sort of like learning and each time you do it (and I would suggest making him wait a while before thrusting and just kiss and fondle each other while he is inside you) your body learns to tolerate it a bit better. Second, turning him down so much -even though he understands and doesn't consciously blame you) can foster feelings that interfere with many aspects of your lives. Eventually, a few years after we resolved the sexual issue we ended up in couples therapy -in part because those feelings were not resolved.
Try to get back in touch with the sexual creature you still are. How about alternate nights where every other time penetration will be off the table and you can just enjoy each others bodies. Again, I'm just suggesting things that helped for us and you may be different.
Last, stop feeling guilty. As long as you are doing your best to resolve it, there is nothing to feel guilty about. Sure you can regret that things aren't better, but guilt is not appropriate when it is not your fault.
(for the first Anon: there are a number of much better lubricants than K-Y. Just go to the pharmacy and try a few starting with one of the easy to find ones like Astroglide.)
I just checked in after not reading your blog for a few months. You are doing great. Your marriage is doing great. I know you want this to be 'over.'. But you are having intercourse, and it's not pleasant but it's not excruciating. Six months ago you didnt know you'd ever get there. Take a deep breath and give it time. I think the suggestion to take penetration off the table sometimes is a great idea. Enjoy your sexual relationship, feel sexy, put the issue aside for a night or a week or whatever. And BTW, if he was going to leave you he would have done it a long time ago. Every husband SHOULD be like him, but few are. Know that your marriage will not only survive, it'll be much stronger because of all of this.
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