Thursday, March 17, 2016

Joy

I have a child now.
My husband is my lover.
Fully my lover. To the point that I think about him when I read romance novels and I get to the sex scenes and I smile. These were the scenes that used to make me cringe, make me feel like I was not a sexual being, like I lacked all femininity and sexuality. These were the scenes that used to make me angry at the world and at God for robbing me of pleasure. These were the scenes that made me walk around with a weight on my chest, feeling like it was me against the world.
And now these scenes excite me. They make me happy and glad and I can't wait till I can go enact them.
As for my child...my child has changed my life in every single way. I cannot possibly describe the depth of love I feel for this child. Everything about the child has brightened my life. I cannot remember the last time I was so joyful.
I was made for this. I was made to be a lover, a mother, and my life would have been so much poorer if I had given up earlier in the journey, certain that I could not ever enjoy sex or love. And yet, that is exactly what I was tempted to do. I look at my life now and I think about how I could never have envisioned this...never have imagined myself as the sexual person I am now and certainly not as ever being capable of achieving the goal of creating and birthing a child.
I am so grateful to God. I overflow with gratitude. Joy is my constant companion. I just want everyone else to be as suffused in it as I feel myself to be.
Don't get me wrong. Of course, I still have bad days, down days, days where there are small annoyances or major concerns. But these are nothing in comparison to the soul-wrenching, ship-rocking turmoil that attacked my marriage at the beginning of its inception. I would have drowned but I didn't...because he is amazing.
My husband. My lover. The most wonderful man on earth...for me.
Can't imagine my life without him.
We've come so far. Every so often it's nice to look back, take stock and feel grateful.
I just hope I can pass on the blessings. I hope other people struggling with sexual pain find the right doctors and the right treatment and find themselves in a happier place, physically and mentally, as well.
My husband is exactly the right mix of practical, playful, loving and deeply kind that I need. I know it takes a special spouse to support you through this difficult journey and I'm just so happy that I had one. And that now I have one who takes such obvious pleasure in raising our little one.
My husband makes me feel beautiful and desired. He also supported me through the worst time of my life and he continues to support me now as we work on raising our child. He is just...my favorite person.
I know it might be frustrating to read this post if you're still caught in the throes of your journey or if your significant other isn't necessarily being the most helpful to you right now. But it can get better. I am proof of that. And I really hope it does get better for you.

2 comments:

Shai said...

What a beautiful post, redolent of gratitude. All three of you are so blessed. Thank you again for sharing your journey will all of us.

Suffering Mormon Girl said...

I just read through your entire blog, and I wanted to thank you for sharing all of this. I'm not engaging in intercourse or anything yet, as I'm unmarried, but I've been suffering from a lot of severe pelvic pain. I think it's possible I have a microperforate hymen, which you mentioned back at the beginning of your blog. I'm just shocked at how little information there is out there on issues like this. I'm shocked that I could be over 20 years old and still not know where my own vagina is (because, if I do have the hymen issue, there's no real opening, but I didn't know that because no one ever taught me about hymens or anything).

So yes, I just wanted to say that I'm grateful for people like you who share all the personal and medical details so that other women can find answers and feel less alone. Congrats on having overcome this trial!