Comparing

Something that I struggle with is comparing myself to others. Not only myself, but my life, my husband, the things I've accomplished. Instead of looking at myself and my life through the lens of: Am I satisfied with what I have done, am doing and where I am going, I instead have looked at it, for most of my life, as a comparison to someone else.

So much so that I actually felt embarrassed about dating some people who I really liked just because I was worried about what other people would say when they found out I was dating them. I worried other people would think that I was dating someone who wasn't handsome enough, wasn't good enough, didn't have enough wealth, didn't have enough material accomplishments.

I realized that if I let all this self-censure go, drop these comparisons at the door, I am able to live a much happier, healthier focused life. When I focus on the fact that I love my husband and I think he's handsome- no matter whether anyone else does or doesn't think so- I become happier. When I focus on the life that I lead and the fact that I am satisfied with it, I feel a lot happier.

This seems like a rather obvious realization, but for me, it wasn't at all obvious. First of all, comparing myself to others had gotten ingrained like a bad habit. And second of all, it isn't so easy to just stop.

But I'm working on it, and seeing positive effects. I am trying to focus on what I like and what pleases me instead of what I think other people will like or what will please them. Because there's something really wrong about me worrying about whether or not the person that I was dating was "handsome enough" or "good enough" to please someone else. After all, I'm the one who would have to live with him, aren't I?

Luckily for me, in the end the man I married is a gem. Part of the reason that I was able to marry him is because 1) I kept it a secret from a lot of people that I was dating him, which meant I didn't have to worry about their censure and 2) Someone I really respected did like him and thought it was great that I was dating him, which kind of gave me the green light. I am very lucky that this happened this way, because at that point in time I don't think I would have had enough courage to go ahead and marry him on my own, by myself, even if others didn't approve of him or think he was "enough."

My husband is so immensely supportive of me. He adores me. He loves me. He does his utmost to make me feel loved, and to talk about all the positives in our intimate life rather than the downsides. He goes out of his way to focus me on what is good in our lives. I love him very much. Unlike me, my husband doesn't care about the judgement of others aside from him. As soon as he had decided he wanted to marry me, I was "enough" in his eyes and nobody could sway him.

I think part of the reason we are afraid to admit our weaknesses to others is the fear that we will be seen as less-than, as "not enough." But my husband, who knows everything about our situation, including all the things that I find shameful, embarrassing, humiliating or sad that have happened to us, always looks at me with love in his eyes. To him, I am always "enough."

And that is such a blessing.