Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Lonely

Your Eyes Open- Keane

Reading the comments on this blog should make me happy, not depressed. Except, of course, that there are those of you who really have no concept of what I'm dealing with and think that with enough effort of will I can just make it go away or fix it. This is very frustrating because it's really not helpful to read that you think I should seperate from my husband or divorce him. Or for you to tell me that I should just change my attitude and my thinking, perk up and be cheery.

I was just thinking that I feel very lonely and very pressured. I know that other people have much worse things going on in their lives but this is my life and this is the thing that ranks highest in it. I'm in a lonely place and sometimes what people say just makes it worse. What I really need is love and support and sadly the only person who can give me that is the same husband I'm mistreating since it's just him and me in this together. Also because I trust him and I don't trust therapists, especially because (even though this isn't their intent) they give me the ugly feeling that they earn their keep off of my suffering.

22 comments:

Molly said...

I have started giving out your website to my friends with similar issues. I so appreciate you putting yourself out there. I know this is not easy and it sucks and it's not fair, so if you EVER need to talk to someone... I'm here! I wish I could do more to help!

understands said...

Do you have women friends that you can talk to? Women friends are very, very important, and can be a great sounding board and support. It may be too much to ask your husband to support you completely...maybe some others can help, too.

Big Ears said...

I am a psychotherapist and can tell you that while we do charge for our sessions, we do truly care for and about our patients. Trust is not something you will achieve just because people tell you to trust them, but I do hope that my words will help put you at least a little bit at ease about psychotherapy. We do know what it feels like to be alone with one's pain, and we also know that we can help in a safe, nurturing, confidential manner. Please feel free to email me if you think it might help to talk about this issue with trust. I am not here to convince you about anything, but I would like you to know that you do not have to be alone.

Meira said...

It's a lonely place to be. I'm sorry it's happening.

And the therapists might make money off your suffering, but it would be an awfully evil person that would allow you to continue suffering just to make money -- and I don't think you believe they are really evil. But get this! If they can help you have a satisfying sex life, that is a HUGE payoff in the ego department. A gigantic feeling of accomplishment for *them*. And that is worth more than money for most people, y'know?

Maypaki said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
still waiting said...

as an older single i too understand true loneliness that noone else seems to get. everyone has their words of advice but noone can begin to truly understand what loneliness is unless theyve been there. hatzlacha to you!

Anonymous said...

I want to underline the point about the feeling of accomplishment to help people get better. My dad trained to be a psychologist and was even licensed in the state, and he felt like he wasn't helping people, so he changed to a different field where he's done good. Psychologists are in the business for the gratification of helping people. And, if you want to be cynical, the prestige of developing a solution that helps many people.

I am sorry that you feel like some commenters are minimizing your pain. We both know that they mean well, and they are using some way to distance themselves from your situation. "This would never happen to me because I'm different. I would try harder." It's the same way that those who oppose social welfare programs give advice to poor people instead of giving them public assistance, like that piece published recently "If I were a poor black kid", where the author said that he would use all kinds of "free" resources to make himself not be poor. As if it were that easy, and as if the free resources didn't require access to quiet and computers and time and safety that come in short supply.

There are no easy answers. There are things to try, and trying is the best you can do. You have already come so far. It's okay to rest along the way. I hope that you can find a way that you can be proud and happy with your body, like yoga or weight-lifting or running or biking or exercise classes or swimming or something else. It can be a positive way to escape and to feel good about something you've accomplished.

Rebecca M said...

Your situation sounds incredibly tough for both you and your husband. But you mention "mistreating" him, and I don't think I've seen that reflected in anything you've shared here. You've both responded lovingly and compassionately to being dealt some difficult cards. Wishing you guys well.

Anonymous said...

As one of the people who suggested a temporary seperation I apologize for a comment that might have brought down. . I am nothing but a trol and totally unqualified to offer anbody any type of "life coaching"

Anonymous said...

I don't know how you do it, honestly. That's what I meant about being brave. I couldn't be posting about this level of struggle and have people make some of these comments and still keep doing it.

I struggled with severe depression and got a lot of responses from people that were MORE depressing because they suggested that I was selfish and lazy.

Most problems are relatively easy to bear in the opinions of those who haven't experienced them.

Anonymous said...

Above from YCF

Anonymous said...

SJG,

Hang in there... i'm honestly praying that you and every other individual (including myself) who suffers from this is blessed with the patience in dealing with our frustrations and the will power to continue in the treatments.

You have been such a huge support to me and many others i am sure- focus on that and ignore the imbeciles and the verbal diarrhea that comes out of their mouths.

Anonymous said...

I think a lot of people, including myself, have some dysfunction in their lives, and all you can do is to try your best to work on it, whatever that means for you, wherever you are in your process. I have an issue and my fiance has been extremely supportive. I know that it's frustrating, I also am not a fan of therapy, but you have to just keep on working on what you need to work on with the best possible tools that are out there in order to reach some milestones that can lead you towards your goals. All the best.

Anonymous said...

In what was--I'm sad to say--not nearly the most bizarre experience of my life, I was in bed last night praying for your vagina. --YCF

Anonymous said...

I had a similar experience and got pregnant through IVF treatment and after my son was born my vagina had stretched so much I no longer had pain during sex. Maybe this will work for you.

Anonymous said...

Hi I just found your blog today. Reading it has given me a lot of chizuk. I have been married almost 3 years but only had about 2 weeks of desire that entire time. We had a lot of niddah issues when we first got married, then I thought, finally we can work on enjoying sex! And then I got depressed and have been ever since. so many of the things you write resonate with me. Though I don't suffer from the exact same thing as you, just reading your account, especially from another religious girl my age has been so helpful for me. I am glad you love each other and are supporting each other through this, and hope that things get better for you. Thanks for making this blog.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Feb 7 4:17am:

I love that idea. But were you too tired with a new baby to enjoy sex? What's your sex life like now?
--YCF

Anonymous said...

I saw this video, and thought of you.

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/video?id=8281530

i found it very interesting and never heard of some of these things before

Anonymous said...

Going thru very similar stuff and just discovered your blog, feeling you pain but want to say I appreciate/relate to your posts. Your blog also made me feel like less of a "freak" and it's comforting to know I'm not the only one goin thru this in the frum world. You're very brave for putting yourself out there... Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Funny that my "word verification" is "hymenold". I assume that's not a coincidence.

We spoke via email a few times. I am very sorry for your situation. I completely disagree with the "get pregnant and have a baby so that your vagina will stretch" philosophy.

My wife experienced vagismus as well and through some "immaculate conception", she got pregnant, I guess the small amount of penetration was enough to make it happen. Long story short - although I love my child tremendously, the extreme stress that having a child on top of the huge underlying sexual issue and the tension that it generated was a LOT to contend with and led to many fights.

I know that as orthodox jews we all feel the need to have babies. To do so when we are clearly not ready for that point yet will be detrimental for the stability of your marriage. IMHO of course - I'm not a licensend psychotherapist like BigEars.

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and I can't imagine how frustrated you and your husband must be. Believe me, things could be worse. I'm a 41yo male virgin who attended NY modern orthodox yeshivahs from a very reform home, who preached the opposite of what i was taught. I was very confused and always had a fear of sex and relationships. I pretty much spent most of my adult life single. To make matters worse now I have a beautiful Irish Catholic gf(who is also a virgin and probably perfect for me) who I'll never be able to marry for obvious reasons but I'm madly in love with her. Everywhere we go they think we are husband and wife(I don't look Jewish in the least). She is a doctor. This girl also mentioned she may have a fear of sex.

Anyway I wish you the best mazel and hope that G-d can fix your situation. I don't think you should divorce your husband if he is so patient and accommodating of your situation. I love my gf more than anything in the world and all we did for a whole year was hold hands.

Even if I ended up marrying her(which will never happen, but I tell her we will anyway because I don't want her to go) and we never had sex, I would consider adopting kids or other alternatives. I think true love extends beyond the physical.

Miriam said...

I feel your pain (literally and figuratively). As a fellow Orthodox Jewish vaginismus sufferer, people who say things like that make me livid. Seriously? Thank you so much for saying if I just try harder everything will get better.