Blue

So I'm back to being blue.

We were so happy about the consummation, the penetrative non-painful sex and all that. But then I stopped doing the 10 minutes of dilation every day, thinking that I could just do that before we actually had sex. We tried that and we realized: no go. Pain is back. I need to stretch those muscles every day consistently.

What's worse is that when we did try to have sex that time (when I just stretched the muscles immediately before) I couldn't move to help him or interact with him at all because I was in pain. Not excruciating pain like before but still unpleasant. So I just lay there like a dead fish. It got better toward the end when I guess my body had become used to him and was also more lubricated.

When I checked afterward, there were little tiny papercuts around my vagina. That was why his semen had hurt me; it had burned when it made contact with the cuts (which were bleeding, by the way). I'm not sure what causes the cuts. Maybe vaginal dryness, but that would be weird because after all we do use a lot of lubricant.

I also don't feel attractive or sexy anymore. It's a huge mood-killer when you have to lie in bed and dilate yourself for 10 minutes with the large size dilator and another 10 minutes with the dildo before you can even begin thinking about making love to your husband. And your husband also has to sit there for 20 minutes or so just waiting for the good stuff to start. I mean, yes, he could engage in foreplay while I'm dilating but it's a bit hard to do because when I first insert the dilator I'm in pain and not really interested in kisses.

We are still hugely happy we consummated our marriage and we're glad that we know that it is possible to have pain-free sex. My husband is an angel. I'm the one who gets all weepy and tells him I know he's going to leave me and this isn't what he imagined when he married me and how am I supposed to look forward to sex when it hurts me. And he cuddles with me and says it'll be okay, we're going to get there and of course it makes sense I don't want to have sex when it's painful.

I guess I feel disappointed because I had thought once we had gotten to the goal of consummating the marriage it would all be better but it isn't yet. Hopefully soon.